Hi-date-us - Day 49 - 29 (Suburban Minneapolis)

Date: 2010-09-22, 1:59AM CDT
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The Project is on hold until further notice.

Hi. I'm Dan. I have plans this Friday

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1967000463

Lessons - Day 48

Date: 2010-09-21, 2:08AM CDT
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The best you can hope from your love life, until you find the one that sticks, is to learn something from the flaming wreckage of every relationship. You sift through the the mangled pieces, find the black box and see if you can figure how how and when it all went wrong.

The problem for most people is that they're too upset at the end of a relationship to see things clearly. In my case, the biggest obstacle seems to be that I've never initiated ending a relationship, and I've never gotten a straight answer about why a relationship ended. I'm pretty sure no one ever actually tells anyone they ever cared about what it is about them that made them intolerable. It's tempting to tell myself that each of these young women just had some individual decision-making deficiency and that none of it was my fault, but I'm a dude acutely aware of his faults, even if they're not necessarily things I find too odious myself.

The truth of the matter is that it's never any one thing that kills a relationship. It's everything, in context, that makes a relationship fail. And all you can do to keep from making the same mistake over again is to avoid recreating those circumstances. The further you get from each relationship, the easier it is to boil each one down into a single pithy lesson for yourself to keep in the back of your mind. Let's go chronological instead of in order of importance. That would only depress everyone.

Summer of 2002: There's no such thing as having enough mental health for both sides of a relationship.

Spring of 2003: You can only keep the soft-edged first-date version of yourself going for so long before a girl starts to either resent your passivity or notice that you're lying.

Fall of 2003: Starting a relationship as a spiteful joke might be ill-advised.

Spring of 2004: Every relationship functions in a vacuum. A girl you don't want your friends to meet is bad news.

Summer of 2004: Stay away from ex-girlfriends when they're single.

Fall of 2004: Stay away from ex-girlfriends when they're drunk.

Summer of 2005: At some point, being the only reliable person in someone else's life becomes a burden for you and a source of resentment for them.

Winter 2005: Nervous awkwardness only lasts so long into the relationship. After a point, she's either mentally ill, or looking for the door.

Fall of 2007: Try to stay on task. A girl's not going to wait around forever.

Spring of 2008: Be careful of a girl who refuses to label things. Sometimes it's just jitters, but sometimes she just doesn't want to label you.

Fall of 2009: If you're a guy who wears a suit and tie to go buy cigarettes maybe "something casual" isn't right for you.

I haven't really managed to cobble those lessons together into a unified theory as yet, but I can at least smell those problems before they hit me again. I've got some extra time on my hands and money in my pocket. I'm ready to meet new problems. With any luck, they'll be small ones that will seem cute in retrospect.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1965103455

Book-Smart - Day 47

Date: 2010-09-20, 12:51AM CDT
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There was a time when I could say in all seriousness that the first and foremost reason that I didn't have a girlfriend was simply that I didn't know any girls. That is to say, there were no females with whom I spent any amount of time. The gender ratio of my immediate group of close friends has ebbed and flowed in the years since, peaking at something like 3/4 female, but seems to have reached a stable equilibrium roughly in line with the world as a whole. It's about 50/50 nowadays, which only makes sense, since nearly all my close friends are couples now. (Please don't read that last statement as an endorsement of the heteronormative paradigm.)

I also have a great deal more experience in observing other people's relationships than I have in being in a relationship myself, which any scientist will assure you is a much more reliable source of information.

I like to think that I have a pretty good understanding of women in general. At the same time, I recognize that, from a biological standpoint, at least "understanding women" is a lot more difficult than "understanding men." I can no longer recall the relevant figures, but there's a lot more active genetic code on the X chromosome than on the Y, which means that the ways in which men are different from women are much more predictable than the the ways in which one woman is different from another.

But, in any case, years of being around women without a fixed agenda has given me some useful knowledge.

I have at least a rudimentary understanding of how women's clothing sizes work, as well as the trends in sizing as it relates to specific retail chains.

I can, as necessary, make most necessary drug store/gas station purchases without complaint, embarrassment or needlessly specific instructions.

I have a borderline inappropriate wealth of knowledge and secondhand opinions on the various contraceptive options currently on the market.

I've developed a pretty good feel for when a problem being given voice is asking for a solution, or at least advice, and when to just respond with commiseration.

I can give a sincere opinion on your new haircut or shoes, or I can give a positive opinion. I usually know which to give.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1963210098

The Fall Season - Day 46

Date: 2010-09-19, 12:53AM CDT
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I asked a married friend of mine today, to suggest a topic for a Craigslist ad. She told me that she had never actually figured out how to date, and that all she wanted to do was go to movies and watch TV.

I realized that, to no small degree, that's true for me as well. While the point of posting a personals ad on Craigslist is, undoubtedly, to get a date, what I actually want is the part of the relationship that exists after the point when you "go on dates." I want to hang out and watch TV. So, logically, it would be nice if we wanted to watch the same TV.

To clarify, I'm not talking about the point in a relationship when no one has anything to say, and you sit in the same room, staring at a television and not speaking to each other. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that two people can avoid that point for a lifetime, though I realize that's more of a gamble than I can reasonably expect to make casting blindly into the ether of Craigslist; I'm just saying, I'd like to spend some quality time on the couch.

I have a soft spot for infomercials. In particular any product that cooks or otherwise prepares food is reliably entertaining, in an unobtrusive way that doesn't interfere with conversation. Programs about knives that cut through steel cans, or convection ovens that cook in half the time of the old way are always pleasant. That peculiar machine that cooks apparently any imaginable foodstuff into a brown semi-circular lump has always been fascinating to me.

I also enjoy re-runs of familiar sitcoms, or basically any project Aaron Sorkin was ever involved in. I went to college on the premise that I might some day be paid to write, so I have an affinity for scripted television that seems increasingly archaic and quaint in today's television landscape.
I'm not saying I won't watch any reality TV. I don't want to watch people cry or yell at each other, but the shows that are ostensibly season-long game shows are pretty palatable. The most recent season of Top Chef was good, notwithstanding the disappointingly small part Anthony Bourdain had in the episode in which he was a guest judge.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free next Friday. There's nothing on anyway.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1961745230

Day of Atonement - Day 45

Date: 2010-09-18, 7:42AM CDT
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I don't have a fantastic track record with women, in general. And clearly some of the reason for it has been bad decision-making. But some measure of my lack of success with women seems to have been unavoidable. Just pure bad luck, or some unseen higher power working against me. So, despite the fact that I don't necessarily believe in either karma or YHWH, I thought today would be as good a day as any to clear the air betwixt me and lady-folk. Here's every bad thing I can remember doing. I mean, everything I can remember in the 5 minutes I'm willing to devote to this. But it covers girlfriends, friends, friend's girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, co-workers and roommates.

I'm sorry I bought you a hot-dog rotisserie instead of the steam-cleaner you wanted for your birthday.

I'm sorry I got boot prints on your retarded whale rug.

I'm sorry I answered my cell phone that one time while we were making out.

I'm sorry I kept calling your new boyfriend Jason even though that isn't his name.

I'm sorry for spending so much time trying to teach your parrots to say "I hate you."

I'm sorry I forgot to shower or shave before our first date.

I'm sorry I stopped calling or hanging out with you after the transit strike was over and I didn't need to stay the night on campus anymore.

I'm sorry I keep telling people that one time we hung out wasn't a date.

I'm sorry no one buys you drinks if we go to the bar together.

I'm sorry I didn't seem more upset when you broke up with me.

I'm sorry I dropped you that one time when I was trying to get you back home.

I'm sorry I told you that dip that I brought to your party was vegan.

I'm sorry I lit that hat you made for your boyfriend on fire.

I'm sorry I hit your boyfriend in the face with a 4-Square ball.

I'm sorry I keep telling people who haven't met you that you're a 12-foot-tall monster with arms like trees.

Anyway. I hope that clears things up.

I owe you a drink. I'm probably free next Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
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PostingID: 1960336540

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Good advice - Day 44

Date: 2010-09-16, 7:44PM CDT
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If you don't begin dating until your early 20s, your personal life becomes a subject of interest for your friends. That causes some complications, but what it also leads to, is a lot of advice. And, in all likelihood, much better advice than you'd have gotten from your friends when they were in their teens. I've been trying to remember all the most memorable advice I've gotten on women, be it from friends, relatives, casual enemies or ex-girlfriends. I'm pretty sure the most memorable isn't always the best advice, but here's what I came up with.

"You have to stop chasing after girls that are going to cheat on you."

"Only hang out with girls who will let you see them naked. It's crass, but an effective rule of thumb to have. Especially for you."

"Don't tell girls what's in your head. I mean, I don't know, maybe what's in your head is good, but what's in my head is awful."

"Let a girl finish her sentence."

"You should turn off your brain on dates."

"Girls like to dance."

"Quit being an asshole."

"Dames is grief."

"You should date the currency exchange girl at the airport."

"The problem with dating a stripper isn't that she get's naked for money, it's that she hates her dad."

"Cut your hair and shave."

"It's all about making a nice moment. And I'm gay for saying it."

Really, it's pure dumb luck that I can deal with women as well as I can.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1958076842

These aren't the boys you're looking for. Move along. - Day 43

Date: 2010-09-16, 12:11AM CDT
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I've never owned, or even read a comic book in its entirety. The last time I purchased a video game system was over ten years ago. I don't have a ponytail or drink off-brand Dr Pepper from 2-liter bottles while I read things on the internet.

That being said, there were times in my life when, without question, those were my people. I carry the scars, and I could still probably recite credits scrawl of all three Star Wars movies. (That's right, I said three, and I meant three.) The thing about growing up nerd is that the vast majority of us grow out of it. And while it wasn't the case with me, most of us force our way out of it to meet girls.

It's not that aren't girls in nerd culture; it's just that they're exceedingly rare, and therefore hugely inflated in value. Which is why, no matter how much you might dig girls who have strong opinions about Greedo shooting first, they are, by and large, totally undateable. It's not their fault. Spending your adolescence being fawned over by a group of six to eight pale, socially inept borderline autistics will always warp a young lady's worldview and leave her lacking in a few key coping mechanisms. If all you ever had to do to get the attention of the opposite sex was to snap your fingers and quote a few lines of Douglas Adams, it's understandable that you might wind up a little self-involved and short on basic social graces.

But like I said, most of us, who grew up as nerds, escape. Some of us just turned into normal, contributing members of society. Some of us went hipster, a few turned to rock-a-billy, which I'm sure we can all agree is a lateral move at best. The point is, the recovering nerd girls are still pretty awesome. They all seem to have gotten long-term service industry jobs and tattoos of "Slave 1." And, for the most part, they've proven socially resilient enough to have a conversation about books, or music, unless I'm drunk and someone says something about Captain Picard being better than Captain Kirk and I have to shout at them, in which case they usually have some cogent insight. And I find it charming.

I'm really hoping this ad doesn't result in a bunch of responses from LARPers and Renaissance Faire employees, though. That would just bum everyone out.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1956564076

When a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of self-sabotage - Day 42

Date: 2010-09-14, 12:28AM CDT
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About once a year, often in the spring, when the ice is thawing and people start to remember the small joys of being alive again, I find myself thinking back on my life and remembering one or another of the girls with whom things ended badly for whatever reason. One of the bare handful that I can sincerely and unashamedly say that I was wholeheartedly in love with. Especially if we've kept in touch and are both alone, I find myself thinking that I should call or write. That I should tell them I don't hold a grudge. That when I think back, almost everything I remember is good, and that I still miss them and care about them, and maybe we should stop being silly and give it another chance. Every year.

And then every year, April Fools day comes and goes and I forget to do it.

I should really set a reminder on my phone or something.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1952913933

Sometimes, you have to mop - Day 41

Date: 2010-09-13, 12:53AM CDT
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A startling number of single lady friends of mine have, after reading Craigslist ads that I've written, told me, "If I hadn't already met you, I would totally have responded to that ad."

The optimist in me says that they are simply expressing an unwillingness to cross the platonic line of demarcation in an existing relationship. The more distressing reading of that statement, however is, "I would respond to your ad, but having met you in person, I recognize various undateable qualities that are not addressed in your ads up to this point."

And that's completely fair. I, like most dudes (people in general, but dudes in particular), am unpleasant in a number of ways. You know, not a typical grimy bachelor, I suppose, but certainly helped out by the polish that having a lady around to impress brings to my day-to-day.

Case in point, while writing this, literally just this second, I picked a tie up out of a bowl that still has a little ramen in it. Now, this means that I am a guy who wears a tie, and continues to wear it after work until settling down at his computer to write personal ads before bed. But assuredly it means that I could be trying harder at life in general.

And that's definitely on the short list of reasons to seek out the company of women. I'm not saying I expect girls to be looking for a fixer-upper. Few are, and the ones who are often have inscrutable plans.

My close friends, however, are almost exclusively couples at this point in life. And in many, if not most cases, very complimentary. I couldn't really stretch my understanding of gender roles to figure out what the women are getting out of any of those relationships, but the men have been prompted to gather any number of the semblances of adulthood around themselves.

Health insurance. Pants never owned by another person. Produce in your refrigerator. Multiple place settings of flatware. Clean bathtubs. Laundry separated into separate loads by color. These are the things that a lady brings to the table. A lot of the guys I know are undoubtedly extreme examples of the phenomenon I'm talking about here, but you get the idea.

Anyway, I'm Dan. If you'd like to go out next Friday, I'll get a real haircut instead of cutting it myself over the toilet, using the water as a mirror.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1950952556

Go out with me: A functionalist approach - Day 40

Date: 2010-09-12, 9:36PM CDT
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Some time ago, someone asked me why it was that I never seem to get upset about anything that anyone, either in my life, or in the news, does. I thought about it and realized that I basically assume everyone's actions are just a product of either their upbringing or their genetics and so nothing they do is really their fault.

It would be cynical of me to rob humanity of its capacity for free will like that, except that my view doesn't really apply to me, or to anyone I know very well. The fact that people I know well don't do anything to upset me is some combination of luck, the fact that I know them well enough to predict their actions, and that they're not jerks, for the most part.

My original point, however, is that, on some level, at least, I assume that people are operating on evolved instinct. That's probably at least part of why I've had such a difficult time figuring out what precisely women look for in a romantic partner. No one actually knows. It's too far down in everyone's reptilian brain for anyone to say with certainty.

So, ignoring for the moment, the obvious reality that no one on Craigslist is consciously looking to procreate with the strongest and smartest (unless that's what "Miscellaneous Romance" is all about, I've never checked), my project probably won't be hurt by listing the credentials that would be included if I were donating my DNA.

- I have a job and a car.

- I have perfect eyesight.

- I'm tall and have never broken a bone. (Not one of my own, at least.)

- I have an exceptional immune system, which I routinely stress test by living unhealthily and eating food of questionable age and quality.

- I have no known allergies.

- I have no family history of cancer.

- I'm a college graduate.

- I'm exceptionally bright, but have the sense to know that guys who know their IQ off the top of their heads are usually intolerable.

- I would probably win in a fight against most land mammals.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1950793437

Girls retreat - Day 39

Date: 2010-09-11, 9:48PM CDT
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I guess it's sort of implied by the existence of this project that, under normal circumstances, I'm not the most motivated guy when it comes to finding women. The whole 100 Days thing is really just a ruse to trick myself into staying interested.

A lot of my friends, have pointed out that I am, in the crass parlance of sales work, "not much of a closer." I don't really mean that in the tawdry sense of "not looking to get laid"; I've covered that already, and it's a separate issue. I just mean I too frequently lose motivation to move a relationship forward even when I haven't specifically lost interest in doing so.

Too often, friends will ask me things like, "What ever happened to that girl you were talking to who worked at KFAI? She was cute, at least on the internet," and the answer comes back, "Oh, huh. Yeah, she didn't respond to my last text, and I forgot to e-mail her or anything after that. It's already been four days, it would probably be weird now." It's a bad habit, but easy enough to break I suppose.

The real problem is that girls, even the less conventional ones, seem to be conditioned to expect some level of pursuit. I'm more than capable of it, but I find I have to walk a fine line. It takes a lot for a soft-spoken, physically unimposing guy to seem like a stalker, but I'm 6'6" and kind of a jerk by most standards.

There's a saying in the rental business that if you don't have at least 10% vacancy, you're not charging enough. It would seem to follow that if no girl has ever actually had to tell you she's not interested, you're not trying hard enough.

So, I guess that settles it. Carpe diem.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free tomorrow.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1949332359

It's probably bad form to quote ELO in a personal ad - Day 38

Date: 2010-09-11, 6:40AM CDT
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It only takes about two semesters of liberal arts college to convince you that you're not a good person. Or at least that you have no way of knowing whether you are or not. After a couple of sociology and philosophy courses, it becomes painfully obvious that being kind and courteous to others is in your best interest, which means that the most evil and self-serving people, would, with proper foresight, act pretty much like everyone else unless they had a specific and immediate goal in mind.

So that's my excuse for not being able to say, with certainty, that I'm an objectively good person. But the thing is, I've realized recently that I don't actually care that much. And I certainly don't care if you're a good person.

I've found it's a lot easier to concern myself with a person's actions than their motivations. I don't really care if you're secretly plotting against me, as long as you're fun at parties. A girl who laughs at my jokes because it's part of her diabolical plan to ruin my life is infinitely preferable to one who wants to stay home and clean her kitchen, but wishes me the best. I have every confidence in future-me to deal with tomorrow.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free next Friday, too.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1947966030

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Perception vs. Reality - Day 37

Date: 2010-09-09, 10:46PM CDT
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I was trying to start writing this ad while I was at work today. One of my co-workers asked what I was writing about, and I realized I didn't really have an answer. So, I asked a group of my co-workers, if they were trying to describe me to someone who had never met me, what would they say.

The following are excerpts from their responses.

He's 9 feet tall and puts leaded gas in his morning coffee.

He sleeps in a suit and tie, but won't tie his shoes for a funeral.

He knows a lot about sandwiches.

He eats children and took a bear to the prom.

He fell asleep on top of a police horse once.

None of those things are technically true, except the bit about the sandwiches, which in all honesty, came from the least funny of my co-workers, but I've always wondered what kind of impression I make on people if I'm not trying to make an impression one way or the other.

It was a sobering experience, but I can't say I was displeased by the picture they painted.

It makes me want to meet the kind of girl who drinks whiskey out of a coffee can and throws other people's shoes at limousines. I don't even know if that's a kind of girl who exists, but I'd like the chance to introduce myself if she does.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1945947476

Hometown pride - Day 36

Date: 2010-09-08, 9:55PM CDT
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Minneapolis is a great town. I know probably a dozen people who moved away in their early 20s, and without exception, the ones who haven't moved back are planning it.

There are dozens of places for good Vietnamese food, the cops don't really mind if you drink in the parks, so long as you're discreet, the streets are clean and the panhandlers are at least courteous when they're not colorful.

Also, you can't swing a dead cat in this town without hitting a cute girl. Though, for the record, I can't recommend it as a method for finding them, because even when it works, I doubt any of them would want to go out with a guy who hit them with a dead cat.

People occasionally ask me why I don't like travel. Aside from the inconveniences of actually getting to the places people seem to want to visit, it just seems like being bored with here would take a tremendous lack of imagination. You haven't been to all the museums in Minneapolis, and neither have I. Or maybe you have, but have you read all the plaques? (I'm mostly joking about that one, please don't make me wait while you read all the plaques.) But, you want to buy a meal from a guy who doesn't speak English? Tell me when; I'll buy.

I guess St. Paul is probably fine too, or whatever. If you have any evidence of it, I'm willing to listen.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1944076537

When life gives you lemons, the pie is a lot more work - Day 35

Date: 2010-09-07, 8:16PM CDT
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My plans for the evening appear to have fallen through. I wasn't precisely stood up, though it's a better story to say I was. In any case, I've found myself with some extra time on my hands.

I made pie.

I'm free this evening, it appears. If you'd like to hang out, I can bring pie.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday, though there's unlikely to be any pie left by then.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1942072195

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They're gonna have my badge for this - Day 34

Date: 2010-09-06, 6:23PM CDT
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There are a lot of w4m ads that indicate that ladies are looking for "a partner in crime." I did a search and found that there are, as we speak, a couple dozen people with ads up right now looking for partners in crime.

I know better than anyone that not every Craigslist ad is going to be successful, but even so, that's a lot of crime.

In fairness, no one seems to have a well developed plan of a specific crime to carry out. It's not clear to me what sort of crime requires precisely two people, and a Google search for "Good two-person crime ideas" was less than fruitful.

Just the same, someone needs to stop them, and logically, I won't be able to do it alone.

Some things you should know about me:

- I'm pretty straight laced.
- People refer to me as "by the book."
- I'm three weeks from retirement.

What I am looking for:

- Loose cannon.
- Plays by her own rules.
- Good hair and/or sweet nickname.

Let me know as soon as possible. I'd like to get started.


I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1939949690

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Lightning Round - Day 33

Date: 2010-09-04, 8:33PM CDT
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The most common complaint I've heard from friends, since I started posting Craigslist ads, is that I think too much.

I'm going out for drinks in a little while. I'm probably, but not necessarily, going to meet up with some friends. If you'd care to join me, just text me and ask where I am.

I'm not out the door yet, but it seems prudent to post this ad while the desirable sort of lady might still be at her computer.

The prime factors of my cell number are twenty-three thousand twenty nine & two hundred sixty-five thousand eight hundred sixty-one.

• Location: In Minneapolis Tonight
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PostingID: 1937180927

Great Skills - Day 32

Date: 2010-09-04, 6:53PM CDT
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A couple of ladies I know used to live together. One of them was complaining to me one day that the other's boyfriend was over at their house too often.

"He's nice or whatever, but he's no kind of man-help," she told me.

I think there's something to that. Have you met dudes lately? I mean, on our best day, we're not that pleasant to be around. I consider myself fairly charming in a saying-mean-things-about-strangers kind of way, and I'm more than capable of being kind and even thoughtful when the situation calls for it, but really, if I was a girl, I'd need something more out of the bargain if I were going to invite me over.

Luckily, I'm also useful.

I can carry four cases of beer for several blocks.

I can cook several delicious meals from the food in your house, even when you think it's time to buy groceries.

I can rid your apartment of most types of bugs, mice and other household pests with minimal disruption to your daily routine.

I can break down and reassemble almost any IKEA furniture ever made like it's a carbine rifle, if it won't fit through the door or down the stairs when you move.

I can edit your résumé.

I remain under the legal limit after drinking as much as most people care to drink in an evening. A sober-enough-cab is more fun than a sober-cab anyway.

I can find karaoke and/or pitcher specials almost any night of the week in Minneapolis or the respectably close suburbs.

I am sufficiently fluent in both drunk and cretin to talk my way out of an altercation with even the surliest of passing bar patrons.

I've read basically the whole internet, so I know a lot of stuff, and the things I don't know, I can find pretty fast.

Years of afternoon shift jobs and daytime cable TV have filled my head sufficiently with a basic understanding of fashion and design that I can help you buy clothes and furniture.

I can change the oil, a tire, a fuse, a battery or a headlamp in your car.


None of these are exceptional in and of themselves, but added up, they're a good enough reason to have a guy around.

And by "a guy," I guess I specifically mean me.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1937075013

Willing to try new things - Day 31

Date: 2010-09-03, 12:05AM CDT
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Everyone says they want to meet someone who's into new experiences. Adventure. I've spent a lot of time on Craigslist lately. When I'm not looking at the personals, I spend a lot of time on the "Free" section, and I've been thinking.

There's a lot of stuff in the free section that floats. If we both quit our jobs, max out our credit cards and sell our furniture, I think we could pick up enough buoyant material for from Craigslist to support our weight, plus a small shelter, the fixtures to lash everything together, and a shallow layer of topsoil, with enough time and money left over to outfit our floating island with basic supplies within a couple of weeks.

I haven't done all the calculations about speed, but I'm fairly certain we can outrun the freezing whether floating unpropelled down the Mississippi. If we dock the island at night, and spend a little time checking Craigslist on the way south, I think we could increase the size of the island enough to support a small army by the time we reach East St. Louis.

By Christmas, we'll be the unquestioned sovereigns of an island nation floating out into the Gulf of Mexico, free from the shackles of the dreary lives we left behind.

...

Or else there's a new Thai place I heard about.

I'm Dan, by the way. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
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PostingID: 1934043881

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Yipee ki-yay - Day 30

Date: 2010-09-01, 11:27PM CDT
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We're really not supposed to let women know this, and I might get in trouble for telling you, but all any guy really wants is a red-head who drinks Scotch and likes Die Hard. But really, hair color is mutable, and I'm not picky about your preference in the national origin of your whiskey. But it is surprising to me how few young women have even seen Die Hard.

I seem to spend at least a few minutes in the first couple of dates with every girl I can remember insisting that we need to watch Die Hard, but it never seems to pan out for me. The truth is, I think I might have placed too much importance on it, but I also don't like leaving things undone.

So, the following is a brief summary of the plot of Die Hard, to the best of my recollection:

It's right before Christmas, maybe Christmas eve, and Bruce Willis is on a plane to go see his wife, who lives across the country, because it wouldn't be a Bruce Willis movie if he wasn't pissed off and hung over because his wife just left him. Anyway, the stereotypical 1980s sassy black limo driver drives him to the building where his wife works and he's getting ready to go to her fancy Japanese business man Christmas party. He takes his shoes off because someone on the plane told him it cures jet lag. He's barefoot for the whole rest of the movie, I think, which is only important because the bad guys shoot some glass and he has to walk across it later in the movie.

So anyway, the bad guys come and take over the building and take all the party people hostage. Alan Rickman is the main bad guy, but then there's also the black guy who does all the computer stuff, and an asian guy who might be the same guy who electrocutes Mel Gibson in the first Lethal Weapon, but maybe that's racist that I think that. I'd have to check IMDB. Anyway, the rest of them are big European guys. German, I think, because this was before the Berlin wall fell, and Germans were still always bad guys. No, yeah, they're totally German, because Alan Rickman's name is Hans, and one of the other guys is Karl. Bruce Willis is "John McCLane" by the way, which is one of the best action names ever. Anyway...

So yeah, the bad guys take over the building and they talk to the head of the company, and you think they're terrorists, but it turns out they just want to steal like 600 million dollars worth of bonds he has in a vault. That was actually a totally good twist when the movie came out because back then all action movie bad guys were either terrorists or drug dealers.

They shoot the Japanese CEO or whatever, because he won't tell them the code to open the vault, but then the computer guy says he can drill through the lock, except one that's like electromagnetic.

Anyway, Bruce Willis hears them shooting people and then he kills a couple of the bad guys and tries to call the police to come help. They don't believe him, but then he throws one of the bad guys off the building and it lands on a cop car. The cop is the dad from that show with Steve Urkel, and he's like comic relief for the rest of the movie, talking to Bruce Willis on the radio. His name is like Roy or something. Or, no, he calls Bruce Willis "Roy" because Bruce Willis always liked Roy Rogers and he doesn't want the terrorists to know his real name and they're using radios too, so they can hear him talking.

So, Bruce Willis gets a machine gun and kills a whole bunch more of the bad guys, and then blows up a bunch of the building with some plastic explosives that one of the bad guys had. Then the FBI comes and shuts off the power, which is what Alan Rickman wanted, because now the last lock on the vault is open.

Oh! And maybe before that part, there's this oily cokehead who's all skeezing up on McClane's wife, and he tries to talk him into giving up because he thinks Bruce Willis is a loose cannon who's going to get everyone killed, and he's an '80s business man who thinks he can solve everything by negotiating. Anyway, the bad guys kill the skeezy guy and Bruce Willis feels bad, and the cops hear and think he should have given up to keep skeeze from getting killed, and maybe that's why they let the FBI shut off the power.

That's not important. The point is, the bad guys have the money, and they're planning to blow up the building so everyone thinks they all died and they can escape with their millions of dollars. And they ask for a helicopter so they can escape, except not really, because it's just a distraction and they blow up the helicopter too, I think. That's the scene everyone remembers with Bruce Willis jumping off the roof in front of an exploding helicopter.

Anyway, the bad guys see on the news that John McClane's wife is one of the hostages (and she's Bonnie Bedelia, if you know who that is), and then they bring all the hostages up onto the roof so they'll get blown up along with the helicopter. But then Bruce Willis goes up to the roof and scares everyone back downstairs by shooting machine guns and killing hostages. But then Alan Rickman is going to kill McClane's wife, but he gets shot instead, and almost drags her off the roof when he falls. But then Bruce Willis saves her. And that's pretty much the end.

Except where the cop who was the dad on Family Matters shoots one of the other bad guys, like the second main bad guy, Karl, right when he's going to kill McClane after getting off his stretcher on the ambulance.

Oh, and then Bonnie Bedelia punches the reporter who got her in trouble by showing her picture on the news. The reporter's been a total douche through the whole movie, too.

Anyway, then McClane and his wife are back together and everything's happy and Christmasy and it's raining flaming bearer bonds on everyone. Even though they're divorced I think by the third movie, or at least by the fourth one.

So, anyway, that's Die Hard. You don't have to watch it now, but we still could if you want.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday. And I have all four Die Hards on DVD.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1932245383

The plan - Day 29

Date: 2010-09-01, 1:29AM CDT
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I always have a plan. Not a fixed goal, really, more like an itinerary, when I meet someone new. I've always found some value in doing things in order. In practice, relationships almost never follow the schedule I've mentally laid out for them, but the plan is always floating around in the back of my head.

First and foremost, this schedule is ritualized foot-dragging. I hesitate and I delay, sometimes just because I'm not very motivated. Sometimes, and this becomes the case some time between the first and second date, generally, it's because I've been conditioned to second guess my own instincts. That's probably why the girls I like best are usually the sort who say things like, "Ask me on a date sometime," and "You should invite me in when we get back."

The general schedule is something like this:

After half a dozen e-mails, phone numbers are exchanged.

Texting ensues, as an adjunct to continued e-mail. First date is suggested after a week since first contact. Usually scheduled a few days out.

First date ends with a handshake.

All right, I know that's a mistake. Let me digress from the schedule and clarify. I'm pretty sure a hug is a bad sign, but I live in fear of the lean-away, so I can't, even after the best imaginable first date, manage to make a move toward a goodnight kiss. Every time, I panic and offer the handshake. It wouldn't even be so bad, except that a girl who thinks the date went well is expecting a kiss. Even worse, a girl who thinks the date went poorly offers the hug and is usually so unprepared for the handshake that she finds herself already committed to the hug. The diabolical thing here is that it performs some sort of horrible social jujitsu and forces a girl to send the opposite message from what she intended. At some point I'm just giving up and walking away in the middle of the "Good night, I had fun."

Anyway, back to the schedule.

First dates are followed by several days of quiet, outwardly calm fretting and second-guessing of my ability to read social cues. If the date went well, assume that I've convinced myself you're avoiding my calls and trying to figure out how I seemed so much more charming on the internet than I am in person. The more I want to see you again, the more I'll question my assessment of the situation. I will probably delete your number from my phone to keep from sending more than two texts before hearing back from you.

Second dates are when I tell stories about my friends and tell you that you should meet them. That sets up the possibility of future dates outside of a bar setting. Barbecues, 4-Square games, my friend's sweet garage. Depending on alcohol consumption, maybe a goodnight kiss, usually awkward hug and a kiss on the cheek. It's undignified, I know.

The third date is generally one of the last that's set up well in advance and referred to by the formal title of "date." Usually there's a meal.

It gets hazy after that, but assume the next few weeks are when I start keeping your preferred liquor on hand out of courtesy and start checking whether you'd like to go out before making other plans on Friday night.

I've roughly determined five weeks to be the point at which I can buy gifts at appropriate occasions without it seeming creepy or presumptuous.

Looking at this schedule now, it might make me seem a little mentally ill. I'm confident that this is what goes on in everyone's head, though, and it's only putting it in words that makes it seem crazy.

It's also worth noting that the timeline only affects my behavior. I don't really have any expectations of anyone else's behavior at any point in a relationship. Though, it's been pointed out that a lot of the girls I've dated have cheated on me, so my expectations could probably stand to be adjusted a little. For now, though, I'm not looking beyond the first few weeks.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1930495477

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It's impolite to talk about money - Day 28

Date: 2010-08-31, 10:20PM CDT
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I started a new job a few weeks ago. I'm making decent money for the first time in over a year. That was actually one of the motivations for starting this project. When I have money, I start looking for a lady. It's not that I necessarily think one is more important than the other. This isn't a "hierarchy of needs" thing. It's just that having a girlfriend doesn't make it any easier to find a job. Reverse the two, on the other hand...

I don't mean to imply that the majority of women are materialists, by any means. Even if most girls cared a lot about money, I'd be looking for the ones who didn't. The majority of my close female acquaintances have spent years, even decades dating guys who were all but destitute. It's just that dating in general takes a lot of resources (time, energy, attention) most of which can be freely traded back and forth for cold hard cash. So, having cash on hand makes dating easier.

Plus, if you can afford to pay, you're more likely to be allowed to pick where you go for dinner, so there's that.

Having recently clawed my way most of the way out of crushing poverty, I can manage, most of the time, to have enough money to go out whenever the situation calls for it. My rule of thumb is that I should have $100 on me at the start of a date. (That's plastic more often than cash, in case you're planning to mug me. It's also worth noting that I'm a large man with no sense of fair play, so warn whoever you're paying to help roll me that I'm not above biting or groin stuff.)

It's rare that, even when a lady lets me pay, which is surprisingly rare, I end up using the whole $100, but I like to be prepared in case anyone suggests that we get a stripper or one of those 6-foot party subs.

I'm not weird about money. I'll tell you how much I make and how much is in my bank account. Not here, of course. I haven't ruled out committing some sort of tax fraud and I don't want records. But in person, for sure. I've got jukebox money if you're tired of what's on.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1930357134

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Certain Songs - Day 27

Date: 2010-08-30, 7:58PM CDT
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Understandably, gift-giving as part of early courtship has fallen off considerably in the last half century or so. It seems quaint and maybe a little sexist, at least in its hegemonical subtext. Nonetheless, too many compliments are ungainly, so sometimes, it's nice to be able to fall back to giving someone a present.

As far as I can tell, no one has sincerely expressed affection through candy since the end of World War 2. Girls don't like flowers. Some of them like being given flowers, but once the giving is done, it's just something rotting in their house. Any number of women have assured me this is true. (Admittedly my taste runs more toward the cynical young women than the hopeless romantics.)

Luckily, the last half a century has also given us the technology to deal with this problem. The mix tape.

Or, since I haven't had a working cassette recorder since the mid-'90s, the mix CD. I fully recognize that a mix CD can never match the soft hiss of analog sincerity that is the mix tape, but for the last ten years, I've used the money other guys spent on their music collections to buy liquor for pretty girls, so all my music is pirated, and putting it onto chromium dioxide would just be adding a disingenuous step.

So, in those same ten years, I've gotten the process of making a mix down to a pretty reliable algorithm.

1) Assemble a list of your all-time favorite songs.

2) Add a shorter list of songs you've been listening to a lot lately.

3) Add a shorter list of songs you've only recently discovered, or only casually enjoy, but seem like the sort of thing the lady in question would like.

4) Rearrange these songs into a pleasing order, with your favorite songs, as well as, if possible, the more upbeat numbers concentrated toward the beginning and end of the list.

5) Begin to edit. First remove whichever one song you've been listening to the most lately.

6) Remove all but one song by each artist.

7) Remove any songs that remind you of a past relationship.

8) Remove anything too clever or novel.

9) Remove anything that charted in the last five or six years.

10) Remove anything you've heard more than once on The Current.

11) Remove anything with the word "love" in the title or chorus.

12) Take the remaining two songs and start over at step 1.

Needless to say, if I assume that a lady is going to get a mix around week three after I meet her, I pretty much start the mix right away.

Hi. I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1928268234

A very special episode - Day 26

Date: 2010-08-28, 6:28PM CDT
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A quarter of the way through my project, I find my responses dropping off somewhat. Ratings retention has become a concern lest the project risk cancellation.

Like many of my ex-girlfriends, I have very little good to say about MySpace at this stage in my life, but I did a learn a handful of valuable lessons from our time together. One of those lessons is that people who are only passively engaged in the content of a post will usually jump at the opportunity to fill out a survey and return its results. To that end, I've assembled a list of questions I usually ask when the conversation begins to lag on a first date.

Since the only people left following my project at this point are, undoubtedly only the most charming and dazzlingly droll young women that the metro area has to offer, it stands to reason that any first date conversations we'll be having will be able to survive without training wheels.

So, on to the tacky ploy for more responses:

1) What was the first live music event you paid your own money to attend?

2) Who would you like to play you in the movie version of "100 Days of Craigslist"? (Assume it's okay to cast against type.)

3) Do you like your dad? (I don't usually ask this, but I try obliquely to find out.)

4) What word do you have the hardest time remembering how to spell?

5) Do you have any self-imposed dietary restrictions? (Religious counts as self-imposed)

6) Pancakes, toast or muffin? (If toast, white or wheat? If muffin, what type?)

7) Do you have any strong opinions about the appropriate use of ketchup or other condiments?

8) What year did you stop buying CDs?

9) How tall are you? (Yes, it seems weird that I have to ask, but girls from 5'1" to about 5'9" all look the same size to me.)

10) Please rank the five basic hard liquors in order of preference.

*************************************************

I will of course respond with my answers to these 10 and any other questions you might have if you e-mail.

I'm Dan. It turns out, I couldn't find anything fun to do last Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
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PostingID: 1924729920

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Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon - Day 25

Date: 2010-08-28, 2:06AM CDT
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By almost any conventional measure, I'm an acquired taste. A very small percentage of my close friends liked me the first time we met. As a corollary, there's some question as to how good a first date I am. I have funny stories and I'll pay the tab, given an opportunity, but first impressions are not my strength.

I am, however, thoughtful, reliable, unflappable and willing to help you move. In other words, my skills as a boyfriend far surpass those as a blind date. I say that not to imply that I'm prone toward premature commitment or emotional clinginess; I'm just saying that's the part I'm good at, no matter how far off it is. Which is probably why most of my best memories of relationships are not nights out for dinner, parties, or even just nights of garrulous binge drinking, but rather afternoons spent sharing a hangover.

I like everyone best at their worst. Anyone worth knowing is worth knowing at their headachey, dry-heaving, rock-bottom, soul-baring low point. A relationship is at its best when two people are drinking .32 and eating pancakes with a belly full of aspirin while watching whatever John Hughes movie is on cable, waiting for the whiskey sweats to subside so that human contact stops being nauseating and goes back to being comforting.

Life is hard. Having someone around to make it easier is the only good reason to put up with the difficulty of a relationship. An afternoon grimacing through a hangover together is that principle boiled down to its purest and most beautiful microcosm.

I'm Dan. I have plans tomorrow night, but I'm free the next day if you want some pancakes.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1923476584

I'm not doing this right - Day 24

Date: 2010-08-27, 1:23AM CDT
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Friends and co-workers assure me that my approach to meeting women, and dealing with women recently met, is frighteningly lacking in finesse. That's probably true.

Here's the problem. I didn't date at all in my teens. It seemed like an undignified waste of time and energy. In retrospect, almost everything I did in my teens was an undignified waste of time and energy, but there's no going back. The point is, my teen years were when I was supposed to build the set of habits that would allow me to meet women in the conventional fashion later in life. The learning of those habits was supposed to be fueled by adolescent hormones, blind hubris and shocking stupidity, as it was in almost everyone else's life. I never learned to obfuscate, to polish my rough edges, hide my foibles or say what people wanted to hear. It made me a holy terror to the administrations of any number of educational institutions and starkly unappealing to teen girls everywhere.

The funny thing is that in adulthood, that same openness and apparently guileless self-deprecation seems refreshing to young women who've spent the last decade dating the borderline sociopaths and overly sensitive maladroits that adolescent romance teaches us are the paths to success.

The problem is that it wears off. As charming as a guy who lists his worst qualities and openly expresses his insecurities while dismissing them as unimportant is, in the first few e-mail exchanges or even first few dates, his charm doesn't hold up to the rigors of a real relationship. Because women learn to date in their teens too. Relationships couldn't survive the first couple weeks without suspension of disbelief on both sides, and the white lies and feigned confidence are part of what makes spending time with someone feel like a relationship.

So, I guess my point is that I'm going to need to find someone as socially retarded as me if it's going to have a real chance.

But, at the same time, I like the first couple weeks before things go bad, too. So either way.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1921596287

Looking to the future - Day 23

Date: 2010-08-26, 12:48AM CDT
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Increasingly the responses to my Craigslist ads have been from women who express no specific or immediate interest in going out with me, but merely appreciation and encouragement in my ongoing 100 Days of Craigslist project.

Responses in general have slowed somewhat. That's not really surprising. I assume there are only a fixed number of people who read Craigslist personals regularly, and judging by the increasing number of my ads that get flagged, some portion of those people find my daily posts irksome and pedantic.

I am not discouraged, however. I'm operating under the assumption that some of you are just not responding because you'd rather read the remaining 80-some ads than risk the disappointment of another internet date. I'm hoping for a spike in responses after Day 100.

That (only somewhat laughable) theory, combined with the fact that I'm already up later than is probably wise on a weeknight, means that for today, I'm cutting my ad short and looking forward to Day 100. Regular posting will of course resume tomorrow.

Suggestions for new topics are always welcome.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free Wednesday, November 10, 2010.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1919734900

Would you like to go to karaoke? - Day 22

Date: 2010-08-25, 1:25AM CDT
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Dinner is a bad first date. A movie is a terrible first date. Drinking is a good first date. Karaoke is a fantastic first date. Let me explain.

First, karaoke almost never happens without drinking. And the added advantage is that singing in front of people allows you to be honest about drinking away your nervousness without having to be honest about why. The same two drinks it takes to kill the stage shakes also alleviate the sudden panic I feel at realizing that the pictures didn't do justice to a girl who is clearly a good two steps out of my league.

Second, I have absolutely terrible taste in music. And a lot of people find a person's taste in music to be important. Karaoke books, throughout the metro area, however, are filled with only the very guiltiest pleasures of everyone's taste. Introducing someone to your taste in music through the lens of karaoke softens the blow of even the most questionable taste.

Finally, karaoke is a constant and heartbreaking carnival of the best and worst of humanity. From people who would be good if they practiced, to people who have obviously practiced, but will never be good, to people who know they're not good, but God love 'em, just love to sing Hank Williams, a few hours of karaoke reaffirms, if not my actual love of humanity, at least my fascination with it.

Seriously, I can find the best karaoke book in this town almost any night of the week.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday. But the good karaoke is Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

• Location: Minneapolis Suburbs
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PostingID: 1917855898

Looking for a girl who reminds me of me - Day 21

Date: 2010-08-23, 11:36PM CDT
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I tell people all the time that I'm looking for a girl who reminds me of me. It's a little bit true. I am, by most accounts, a huge weirdo, which makes it gratifying to find someone who shares any to many of my idiosyncrasies.

And you know that thing where you meet someone new and you accidentally do or say something at the exact same time? That's pretty adorable, I guess.

The first problem is that I don't meet that many people like me. Even my close friends are, for the most part, people who are complimentary, but not really similar to me. And I guess there's a lesson there.

Because it seems like the second problem is that, if I did ever meet someone just like me, our time together would be spent speaking very quickly, disagreeing with each other to keep the conversation going and completely forgetting to ask or tell anything personal. Then we'd both text the other once and then delete each other's numbers out of our phones and wait for the other to make the next move.

So, yeah. I guess maybe I shouldn't use myself as a template. It's a cute concept, but it's a pretty narcissistic, and ultimately it's just an excuse to make a pun when I hear a middle-aged hipster say something about "dating yourself."

I'm Dan. I'd probably prefer if you weren't.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1915860197

Now that I have your attention - Day 20

Date: 2010-08-23, 1:03AM CDT
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It has come to the attention of some of my readers and more than a few respondents that my Craigslist ads have been almost puritanically free from any mention of sex.

I guess that's a fair observation if you're viewing each post within the context of the full 100 days I have planned. My concern however, is that devoting an entire Craigslist post to the topic of sex, at least one posted to the same category in which I've been posting, makes me seem at minimum, a little unclassy. At least to those women who read it out of context.

Let me clarify one point. I'm not a prude; I'm just a traditionalist in a very small and inscrutable number of ways. I wear a tie to work. I drink cocktails with gin instead of vodka. I drive an domestic V8 sedan. And I generally try to separate sex from any situation where drinking is frowned upon. That includes work, posting to the internet, and driving in view of the police.

Sex is pretty far down my list of motivations for this project, but it would be self-importantly separating myself from the rest of humanity, or more accurately, from the rest of vertebrate life, to deny that it's any part of the reason. I can come off as overly intellectual, but it's silly to ignore one biological imperative when I've spent entire e-mail conversations talking mostly about another (sandwiches, in this case.)

You can, however, safely assume that I'm at least not consciously making any of my dating decisions with sex as a goal. I honestly prefer that timetables for that sort of thing be determined by whiskey and television schedules. My ease with the subject should not be taken as apathy or a lack of appreciation however.

I view heterosexual women with the same appreciation and bafflement that most people reserve for fire fighters. I have no interest in doing what you do, but I'm glad for my own sake, and the good of the world, that someone does.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1913867556

Taking the hit - Day 19

Date: 2010-08-22, 11:44PM CDT
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Interspersed among various bouts of unemployment, the time I took to earn a Bachelor's degree and one terrible third shift job in a factory that, it turns out, did not inspire me to write a great American blue collar rock album, I've spent most of my professional life working in telemarketing.

The work is easy, it's usually easy to find, and more importantly, I'm pretty well suited to it. I have a pleasant enough voice, but mostly, I've persevered in the field because I take rejection very well.

It's a strength that should translate pretty well to my social life, but it's never actually proven that useful. In theory, I'd be more than capable of asking a girl out and walking away from a no with my head held high, but I've never actually figured out when a person asks another on a date. Part of the problem seems to be that I have to know a lot about a person before I know whether I want to go on a date to begin with. And a lot of the things I want to know aren't things you can ask without implicitly expressing interest in a date. I guess that's why I've opted for the internet.

And, as it turns out, the internet is a contraption that can deliver rejection with a new and ruthless efficiency. My recent Craigslist postings have already prompted any number of responses whose authors disappeared after one or two brief e-mail conversations, or perhaps after searching Facebook for my e-mail address. Just the same, I'm trying to keep getting up off the mat. It's a trait I find especially admirable in others. The only really unappealing e-mails I've gotten in response to my ads are the ones that are prefaced with "you probably aren't interested, but..."

I've always found the trite conventional wisdom that confidence is attractive sort of annoying, and a little condescending when it comes from attractive people, but I guess wisdom becomes conventional for a reason in a lot of cases. It's also possible that I just appreciate good taste and assume anyone who doesn't think they're awesome is either actually not awesome, or lacks the ability to recognize awesome.

My point is, if you're awesome, you should write me an e-mail. I haven't responded to every e-mail I've gotten, and only some of that is because I've been busy, but if the worst thing that happens to you this week is a rejection from a 29-year-old guy writing personal ads on the internet, your life could be a lot worse.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1913820349

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The lessons of history - Day 18

Date: 2010-08-22, 3:12AM CDT
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Every relationship ends with a breakup or death. That's a depressing thought, right? To be fair, everyone I've dated is still alive and kicking. So I guess the healthy thing to do is to hope that you've learned something from every breakup.

I've had some trouble with that in the past. I've never initiated a breakup, though not because I didn't have cause. My issue is that I've never gotten a clear explanation of why anyone broke up with me. In retrospect, I probably should have asked, but I find the easiest way to deal with rejection is to stop caring, and that makes performing a post-mortem pretty tedious and unappealing.

Just the same, I've learned some things to avoid.

1) The severely unbalanced. I used to claim that there's a surprisingly narrow overlap between girls who are interesting and girls who are emotionally stable. It turns out, auspiciously, that this precept becomes less and less true the further into one's 20s one gets. I'm very calm, and more to the point, very calming. It makes me appealing to girls with dad issues and scars on their arms. I'm 29, and I work full time. I just don't have the time anymore.

2) Organic development. The ideal relationship is one that develops out of an existing friendship. As it turns out, that isn't even a little bit true. Relationships are difficult and awkward and they have to be done in a certain order. You can't start a romantic relationship with someone you're already comfortable being around. I don't know why, but you can't. The attempt almost always results in one person thinking they're in a relationship while the other is looking for a date.

3) Common interests. I absolutely shouldn't date anyone because they have good taste in movies and music. If for no other reason than that it means that I'll keep running into exes at shows forever.

I'm Dan. I know I'm a day behind; I was busy drinking away a case of nerves.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1912354634

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Minimum requirements - Day 17

Date: 2010-08-19 10:44 AM
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Just because I post Craigslist ads doesn't mean I don't read Craigslist ads. A lot of them are boring, as it turns out. But even ads that aren't that fun to read shouldn't be ignored when so many of them repeat the same basic sentiments. So, let me lay down my basic Craigslist curriculum vitae.

Normal guy. I've always found this to be a curious request, but I can't imagine girls actually mean they want someone boring. Predictable, maybe, or at least reliable. I am that. I show up when I say I will, and my life is run on a pretty regular routine. I'm not mentally ill, and your mom will like me if you like her, and probably if you don't. If that's what you meant, then I've got it covered.

Good spelling and grammar. It's mentioned as a criteria surprisingly often, really. I know some really smart guys who can barely spell their names, but I guess I'm not going to complain. I've got a liberal arts degree and it hasn't gotten me a date yet as far as I know. At minimum, I know how to use a semi-colon; there's one in this sentence.

Respectful. As near as I've been able to gather, this means I won't hit, yell, or cheat on you. Right? This seems like the kind of request that makes me question your past choices in men, but I guess the only one that counts is the last one.

Not looking for a hookup. If my ambitions were so simple, I wouldn't be turning to the internet. I've got a watch and a car. I can find a bar and 2am as well as the next guy. Even if this weren't my 16th Craigslist ads in as many days, I think we could agree that this ad by itself has been more effort than a person of average resources needs to put into getting laid.

Willing to try new things. I usually don't, but that's only because I like the things I do now. But I'm also almost pathologically amenable to other people's plans or doing something I've never done before. Want to steal a boat?

Baseball. All right, a guy's got to draw the line. I don't know when all women became fans of baseball, and I like beer and hot dogs as much as anyone. I'm even willing to eat hot dogs and drink beer and sit near where people are playing baseball. I just can't actually watch the game. It's unbearable. Can we compromise? It's almost football season. If you'd like, I can explain the game to you in a condescending manner.

No drama. My concern is that this is like one of those cautionary tales about getting what you ask for. If we go out, and date for a few weeks, and then you're telling me about your former best friend who stopped hanging out with you when she started dating her new douchey boyfriend, and my reaction is to shrug and say, "Yeah, but what are you gonna do, man?" just remember that you asked for no drama.

If there's anything I missed, feel free to ask.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

"It's complicated" - Day 16

Date: 2010-08-18 9:50 PM
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I've taken a lot of grief from my friends about meeting girls on the internet. Which seems odd, given that my efforts have been, over the last ten years or so, pretty successful, at least in terms of how many of my friends have dated girls I've met on the internet. Really, though, past success, and overall efficiency and convenience have very little to do with my decision.

The main reason I post personal ads is that they eliminate a lot of ambiguity. If you meet someone after responding to a Craigslist ad, there's very little question whether your meeting "counts as a date." The rest of the internet certainly plays its part, too. Since we, as a culture, can no longer use the phrase "going steady" with a straight face, I for one am thankful that we can look to Facebook relationship status messages for clarification.

A lot of people are uncomfortable with labels. I get that, but you don't have to be Noam Chomsky to realize that the labels wouldn't exist in the first place if there wasn't some value in them. I like a general guideline for how to interact with someone. Plus, I'm a lot better at "boyfriend" than I am at "dating."

I've never really had a problem with labeling a relationship. I can see how that could be interpretted and clingy or desperate, but that really has nothing to do with it. It's just that I don't like that many people, so when I find someone I can spend a couple evenings with, without rolling my eyes or wishing I was somewhere else, I can make a judgement about longterm potential pretty quickly. I'm not picking out a china pattern or anything; I'm just comfortable with whatever pace things take after that.

It can be disconcerting, I'm told.

That's one of the side-benefits of this project, I suppose. While I'm perfectly willing to put the project on hold indefinitely, there's at least an implicit indication that things won't be excusive for a couple months. It seems like that might take some pressure off.

Feel free to focus on the immediate.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

This isn't just a good idea for a book - Day 15

Date: 2010-08-18 12:11 AM
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There's been some conjecture in the past about the sincerity of my Craigslist postings. That's fair, really. I'm implacably good-natured, and oftentimes in text, the only part that comes across is the implacable. I seem aloof, when I'm actually just calm.

More importantly, it seems like I'm not serious about this. Okay, to be fair, I'm not "serious" about much if anything. But I am sincere. The ads I write tend to be a little tongue-in-cheek, but that's not cynicism. I just figure if you can't be rich or handsome, your best shot is to be smart and funny. And there's nothing worse than someone humorlessly telling you that they're funny.

So, to set the record straight, yes, I would like to go on a date. Ideally, I want to go on more than one date. I want a few weeks of awkwardly deciding whether it's weird to call more than once every few days, and whatever comes after that. I want a whole series of baffling landmarks, from figuring out whether I can assume we have plans on Friday night to sharpie-ing a name on a toothbrush.

I'm working on suppressing my inscrutable tendency to offer a handshake at the end of a first date, I really am. I don't know why I do that.

Hi. I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

...but I'd rather not be.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Keeping it positive - Day 14

Date: 2010-08-17, 12:58AM CDT
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It was pointed out to me that my Craigslist ads have a distinct tendency to focus on the negative. It's also been my experience that people who only know me from the internet don't realize the slakelessly good humor with which I view almost every aspect of daily life.

To this end, here are some things I like:

I like getting dinner from the gas station. I especially like it on a first date. I like the walk, and I like being a guy who thoughtfully remembers to pocket some extra napkins.

I like coats. And mittens. Gloves, too, but mittens especially.

I like when someone is talking to me and they say a bunch of things really fast and I can tell they were thinking the semi-colons in their sentence.

I like cookbooks. I like cooking. I don't use the cookbooks when I cook, but I like reading, and having them. Mostly having them.

I like dogs. Dogs are outstanding. Mostly the big ones, but the little ones can be all right dudes too.

I like TV. The kind where people wrote some words and other people said them.

I like when good bands cover bad songs. I like when bad bands cover good songs.

I like enthusiasm. I like when people like things. I wish Facebook let me like that someone liked something without me having to like it too. Your interests are interesting.

I like Uptown in the winter. I like Northeast in the fall. I like the mall around Christmas if I don't have anything I need to buy.

I like Bourbon, American lager, and cheap gin.

I like using all my vacation time and not changing anything about my routine except for going to work.

I like paid programming for machines that cook food in a way that is better than the old way.

I like the idea of antique stores.

I like science. Sometimes I wish going to college for something other than liberal arts hadn't seemed like so much work. I think I would enjoy lady scientists, but I don't know any.

I like new tires and new shoelaces.

I like off-brand diet cola.

I like leaving the house and walking around when I get a phone call. If I talk for too long, sometimes I get lost.

I like shopping for cuff links on eBay.

I like wearing a suit on my day off.

I like to live life on a spectrum somewhere between the phrases, "I'm not a barbarian," and "This ain't the Ritz."

I like e-mail.

Hi. I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

* Location: Suburban Minneapolis

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1903106108

Girls who aren't really reading Craigslist - Day 13

Date: 2010-08-15, 11:41PM CDT
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It's pretty hard to make any accurate judgment of a person based on what they choose to put on the internet. Facebook is a great example of this. I discovered a few months ago that the only way to tell from a person's Facebook profile, whether I would like them or not, is to judge by whether the comments their friends have posted on their photos are funny or not.

The logic here is convoluted, but pretty irrefutable. If a person is funny and interesting, they will attract friends who are also funny and interesting. A person might be able to fake these qualities for their own profile, but it wouldn't occur to them to do so in comments to their other friends. So basically, I don't have to judge anyone; I can just let the people who know them do it for me.

Which got me thinking. The best luck I've had with meeting people on Craigslist has come from posting ads, not responding to them. The reason for that seems to be that the kind of girls I like don't post ads. They do, however, read them. And only that much occasionally. And usually only for entertainment value. That's why I try much harder to make my ads interesting than to make them informative or expressive. It occurred to me recently that there are probably a lot of girls I would like who don't even read Craigslist. But the odds seem good that at least one of their friends does.

So, here's my point. If you are one of those girls, think hard. Do you have a friend who doesn't read Craigslist, but who does enjoy drinking tap beer in unfancy bars? Is she single? Would she like my e-mail address? Is she free on Friday?

Hi. I'm Dan. I'm probably free on Friday.

* Location: Suburban Minneapolis
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1901021360

Don't say "awesome," be awesome - Day 12

Date: 2010-08-15, 3:04AM CDT
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It occurred to me some time ago that there's one trait, more than any other, that seems to be holding me back from meeting a nice girl, either through the internet or through the various untrustworthy methods offered by "the real world."

I don't actually have a problem meeting people. As it turns out, they're everywhere. There's a bunch of them at my job, for example. Actually, my job might be a bad example, because the majority of the women there seem to be in their 40s and also, more often than not, married with several children.

My point is, the real problem happens after I meet them, and the problem is this: I have an intrinsic and unshakable distrust of people who immediately like me.

On my best day, I'm not that pleasant. I'm not, for example, friendly or personable. I'm outgoing, insofar as I'm generally outspoken about things that interest me, but not that many things do. I'll remain silent for an hour while my co-workers discuss reality TV, but if the conversation moves to places to buy sandwiches, I have immediate and deeply held opinions which I will share gladly.

I spite of not being friendly, however, I'm pretty well liked most places I go, mostly by virtue of having interesting things to say and being able to express them in an interesting way. And that's sort of the problem. My natural, if not entirely fair, assumption is that anyone who immediately ignores my negative qualities, forgiving them on the basis that they think I'm funny, is someone who finds funny hard to come by. It's pretty basic supply and demand.

I've found myself, on quite a few occasions, realizing in the middle of a date, that the person I'm with likes me a lot, even though I'm putting no specific effort into it. Let me clarify, this isn't one of those things where I don't feel good about myself, and don't think anyone should like me for me. I'm just saying, for the right girl, I'm more than willing to bring my A-game, and I should be expected to, or else what's the point. A lot of things are easy. Girls should be difficult, to be worthwhile.

I've put a lot of time and effort into being awesome. It seems only fair that other awesome people know it.

Either that, or I should stop posting ads at 3am.

Hi. I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1899604108

Running the gauntlet - Day 11

Date: 2010-08-14, 3:30AM CDT
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For those of you who haven't been keeping track, I am now 10% of the way through my project of posting 100 Craigslist ads over the course of 100 days. It is, undoubtedly, a herculean undertaking, and one that admittedly stretches my considerable skills in the arena of "talking about myself." It was pointed out, recently, that there is a legitimate suspicion to be roused by a guy that can talk about himself as much as I have, and indeed, intend to for an additional 90 days. I like to thing the right girl will find this to be an endearing show of vulnerability and not a show of glaring megalomania and self-centeredness.

So here's the thing, Ladies of the Internet. I'm probably free this Friday. No doubt many of you have come to recognize this continual truth. Today, however, being Friday, I found myself with plans. In reality, I have a grown-up job and can't afford to let a Friday night pass waiting by the Internet hoping a charming young lady will send an appealing missive. I'd love to hear from you, but in the meantime, I'll be drinking in someone's garage in Uptown.

Now, here's the rub. I don't know many, if any, single people. And if there's one thing couples enjoy, it's seeing their single friends entangled into relationships. The cynical part of my thinks of this as a parallel to Stockholm Syndrome, but I like to believe, on some level, that they just want me to be happy. The immediate result, however, is a lot of interest among my immediate social circle, in my personal life.

More than one of my first dates with girls I've met on the internet have been covertly chaperoned by a table full of my friends to whom I had let slip the time and location of my plans for the evening. Oftentimes, given this fact, I find it's easiest to just introduce the young women who have attracted my dubious attentions to my friends as early and as fully as possible. And I'll be honest. It's a tough room.

My friends are, I can say with minimal hyperbole, the best people to ever walk the earth. Witty, charming, socially and practically adept, insightful and gracious to the man and woman, are the lot of them. And, in spite of my perennial solitude, they have high expectations for the young women I introduce to them. To be fair, nearly half of them are young women I introduced to the group. Ultimately, I think they trust my judgment.

My questionable project seems to be attracting a wider audience, so I've got my fingers crossed that some of that audience includes girls who are not only up to the standards of my scumbag friends, but are painfully aware that they're up to those standards.

Hi. I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

* Location: Suburban Minneapolis
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests



PostingID: 1898003493