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A couple of ladies I know used to live together. One of them was complaining to me one day that the other's boyfriend was over at their house too often.
"He's nice or whatever, but he's no kind of man-help," she told me.
I think there's something to that. Have you met dudes lately? I mean, on our best day, we're not that pleasant to be around. I consider myself fairly charming in a saying-mean-things-about-strangers kind of way, and I'm more than capable of being kind and even thoughtful when the situation calls for it, but really, if I was a girl, I'd need something more out of the bargain if I were going to invite me over.
Luckily, I'm also useful.
I can carry four cases of beer for several blocks.
I can cook several delicious meals from the food in your house, even when you think it's time to buy groceries.
I can rid your apartment of most types of bugs, mice and other household pests with minimal disruption to your daily routine.
I can break down and reassemble almost any IKEA furniture ever made like it's a carbine rifle, if it won't fit through the door or down the stairs when you move.
I can edit your résumé.
I remain under the legal limit after drinking as much as most people care to drink in an evening. A sober-enough-cab is more fun than a sober-cab anyway.
I can find karaoke and/or pitcher specials almost any night of the week in Minneapolis or the respectably close suburbs.
I am sufficiently fluent in both drunk and cretin to talk my way out of an altercation with even the surliest of passing bar patrons.
I've read basically the whole internet, so I know a lot of stuff, and the things I don't know, I can find pretty fast.
Years of afternoon shift jobs and daytime cable TV have filled my head sufficiently with a basic understanding of fashion and design that I can help you buy clothes and furniture.
I can change the oil, a tire, a fuse, a battery or a headlamp in your car.
None of these are exceptional in and of themselves, but added up, they're a good enough reason to have a guy around.
And by "a guy," I guess I specifically mean me.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
- Location: Suburban Minneapolis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
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