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I always have a plan. Not a fixed goal, really, more like an itinerary, when I meet someone new. I've always found some value in doing things in order. In practice, relationships almost never follow the schedule I've mentally laid out for them, but the plan is always floating around in the back of my head.
First and foremost, this schedule is ritualized foot-dragging. I hesitate and I delay, sometimes just because I'm not very motivated. Sometimes, and this becomes the case some time between the first and second date, generally, it's because I've been conditioned to second guess my own instincts. That's probably why the girls I like best are usually the sort who say things like, "Ask me on a date sometime," and "You should invite me in when we get back."
The general schedule is something like this:
After half a dozen e-mails, phone numbers are exchanged.
Texting ensues, as an adjunct to continued e-mail. First date is suggested after a week since first contact. Usually scheduled a few days out.
First date ends with a handshake.
All right, I know that's a mistake. Let me digress from the schedule and clarify. I'm pretty sure a hug is a bad sign, but I live in fear of the lean-away, so I can't, even after the best imaginable first date, manage to make a move toward a goodnight kiss. Every time, I panic and offer the handshake. It wouldn't even be so bad, except that a girl who thinks the date went well is expecting a kiss. Even worse, a girl who thinks the date went poorly offers the hug and is usually so unprepared for the handshake that she finds herself already committed to the hug. The diabolical thing here is that it performs some sort of horrible social jujitsu and forces a girl to send the opposite message from what she intended. At some point I'm just giving up and walking away in the middle of the "Good night, I had fun."
Anyway, back to the schedule.
First dates are followed by several days of quiet, outwardly calm fretting and second-guessing of my ability to read social cues. If the date went well, assume that I've convinced myself you're avoiding my calls and trying to figure out how I seemed so much more charming on the internet than I am in person. The more I want to see you again, the more I'll question my assessment of the situation. I will probably delete your number from my phone to keep from sending more than two texts before hearing back from you.
Second dates are when I tell stories about my friends and tell you that you should meet them. That sets up the possibility of future dates outside of a bar setting. Barbecues, 4-Square games, my friend's sweet garage. Depending on alcohol consumption, maybe a goodnight kiss, usually awkward hug and a kiss on the cheek. It's undignified, I know.
The third date is generally one of the last that's set up well in advance and referred to by the formal title of "date." Usually there's a meal.
It gets hazy after that, but assume the next few weeks are when I start keeping your preferred liquor on hand out of courtesy and start checking whether you'd like to go out before making other plans on Friday night.
I've roughly determined five weeks to be the point at which I can buy gifts at appropriate occasions without it seeming creepy or presumptuous.
Looking at this schedule now, it might make me seem a little mentally ill. I'm confident that this is what goes on in everyone's head, though, and it's only putting it in words that makes it seem crazy.
It's also worth noting that the timeline only affects my behavior. I don't really have any expectations of anyone else's behavior at any point in a relationship. Though, it's been pointed out that a lot of the girls I've dated have cheated on me, so my expectations could probably stand to be adjusted a little. For now, though, I'm not looking beyond the first few weeks.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
- Location: Suburban Minneapolis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
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