Day of Atonement - Day 45

Date: 2010-09-18, 7:42AM CDT
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I don't have a fantastic track record with women, in general. And clearly some of the reason for it has been bad decision-making. But some measure of my lack of success with women seems to have been unavoidable. Just pure bad luck, or some unseen higher power working against me. So, despite the fact that I don't necessarily believe in either karma or YHWH, I thought today would be as good a day as any to clear the air betwixt me and lady-folk. Here's every bad thing I can remember doing. I mean, everything I can remember in the 5 minutes I'm willing to devote to this. But it covers girlfriends, friends, friend's girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, co-workers and roommates.

I'm sorry I bought you a hot-dog rotisserie instead of the steam-cleaner you wanted for your birthday.

I'm sorry I got boot prints on your retarded whale rug.

I'm sorry I answered my cell phone that one time while we were making out.

I'm sorry I kept calling your new boyfriend Jason even though that isn't his name.

I'm sorry for spending so much time trying to teach your parrots to say "I hate you."

I'm sorry I forgot to shower or shave before our first date.

I'm sorry I stopped calling or hanging out with you after the transit strike was over and I didn't need to stay the night on campus anymore.

I'm sorry I keep telling people that one time we hung out wasn't a date.

I'm sorry no one buys you drinks if we go to the bar together.

I'm sorry I didn't seem more upset when you broke up with me.

I'm sorry I dropped you that one time when I was trying to get you back home.

I'm sorry I told you that dip that I brought to your party was vegan.

I'm sorry I lit that hat you made for your boyfriend on fire.

I'm sorry I hit your boyfriend in the face with a 4-Square ball.

I'm sorry I keep telling people who haven't met you that you're a 12-foot-tall monster with arms like trees.

Anyway. I hope that clears things up.

I owe you a drink. I'm probably free next Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
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