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The Project is on hold until further notice.
Hi. I'm Dan. I have plans this Friday
- Location: Suburban Minneapolis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
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Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Hi-date-us - Day 49 - 29 (Suburban Minneapolis)
Date: 2010-09-22, 1:59AM CDT
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The Project is on hold until further notice.
Hi. I'm Dan. I have plans this Friday
PostingID: 1967000463
Reply To This Post
The Project is on hold until further notice.
Hi. I'm Dan. I have plans this Friday
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Lessons - Day 48
Date: 2010-09-21, 2:08AM CDT
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The best you can hope from your love life, until you find the one that sticks, is to learn something from the flaming wreckage of every relationship. You sift through the the mangled pieces, find the black box and see if you can figure how how and when it all went wrong.
The problem for most people is that they're too upset at the end of a relationship to see things clearly. In my case, the biggest obstacle seems to be that I've never initiated ending a relationship, and I've never gotten a straight answer about why a relationship ended. I'm pretty sure no one ever actually tells anyone they ever cared about what it is about them that made them intolerable. It's tempting to tell myself that each of these young women just had some individual decision-making deficiency and that none of it was my fault, but I'm a dude acutely aware of his faults, even if they're not necessarily things I find too odious myself.
The truth of the matter is that it's never any one thing that kills a relationship. It's everything, in context, that makes a relationship fail. And all you can do to keep from making the same mistake over again is to avoid recreating those circumstances. The further you get from each relationship, the easier it is to boil each one down into a single pithy lesson for yourself to keep in the back of your mind. Let's go chronological instead of in order of importance. That would only depress everyone.
Summer of 2002: There's no such thing as having enough mental health for both sides of a relationship.
Spring of 2003: You can only keep the soft-edged first-date version of yourself going for so long before a girl starts to either resent your passivity or notice that you're lying.
Fall of 2003: Starting a relationship as a spiteful joke might be ill-advised.
Spring of 2004: Every relationship functions in a vacuum. A girl you don't want your friends to meet is bad news.
Summer of 2004: Stay away from ex-girlfriends when they're single.
Fall of 2004: Stay away from ex-girlfriends when they're drunk.
Summer of 2005: At some point, being the only reliable person in someone else's life becomes a burden for you and a source of resentment for them.
Winter 2005: Nervous awkwardness only lasts so long into the relationship. After a point, she's either mentally ill, or looking for the door.
Fall of 2007: Try to stay on task. A girl's not going to wait around forever.
Spring of 2008: Be careful of a girl who refuses to label things. Sometimes it's just jitters, but sometimes she just doesn't want to label you.
Fall of 2009: If you're a guy who wears a suit and tie to go buy cigarettes maybe "something casual" isn't right for you.
I haven't really managed to cobble those lessons together into a unified theory as yet, but I can at least smell those problems before they hit me again. I've got some extra time on my hands and money in my pocket. I'm ready to meet new problems. With any luck, they'll be small ones that will seem cute in retrospect.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
PostingID: 1965103455
Reply To This Post
The best you can hope from your love life, until you find the one that sticks, is to learn something from the flaming wreckage of every relationship. You sift through the the mangled pieces, find the black box and see if you can figure how how and when it all went wrong.
The problem for most people is that they're too upset at the end of a relationship to see things clearly. In my case, the biggest obstacle seems to be that I've never initiated ending a relationship, and I've never gotten a straight answer about why a relationship ended. I'm pretty sure no one ever actually tells anyone they ever cared about what it is about them that made them intolerable. It's tempting to tell myself that each of these young women just had some individual decision-making deficiency and that none of it was my fault, but I'm a dude acutely aware of his faults, even if they're not necessarily things I find too odious myself.
The truth of the matter is that it's never any one thing that kills a relationship. It's everything, in context, that makes a relationship fail. And all you can do to keep from making the same mistake over again is to avoid recreating those circumstances. The further you get from each relationship, the easier it is to boil each one down into a single pithy lesson for yourself to keep in the back of your mind. Let's go chronological instead of in order of importance. That would only depress everyone.
Summer of 2002: There's no such thing as having enough mental health for both sides of a relationship.
Spring of 2003: You can only keep the soft-edged first-date version of yourself going for so long before a girl starts to either resent your passivity or notice that you're lying.
Fall of 2003: Starting a relationship as a spiteful joke might be ill-advised.
Spring of 2004: Every relationship functions in a vacuum. A girl you don't want your friends to meet is bad news.
Summer of 2004: Stay away from ex-girlfriends when they're single.
Fall of 2004: Stay away from ex-girlfriends when they're drunk.
Summer of 2005: At some point, being the only reliable person in someone else's life becomes a burden for you and a source of resentment for them.
Winter 2005: Nervous awkwardness only lasts so long into the relationship. After a point, she's either mentally ill, or looking for the door.
Fall of 2007: Try to stay on task. A girl's not going to wait around forever.
Spring of 2008: Be careful of a girl who refuses to label things. Sometimes it's just jitters, but sometimes she just doesn't want to label you.
Fall of 2009: If you're a guy who wears a suit and tie to go buy cigarettes maybe "something casual" isn't right for you.
I haven't really managed to cobble those lessons together into a unified theory as yet, but I can at least smell those problems before they hit me again. I've got some extra time on my hands and money in my pocket. I'm ready to meet new problems. With any luck, they'll be small ones that will seem cute in retrospect.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
- Location: Suburban Minneapolis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 | |
Monday, September 20, 2010
Book-Smart - Day 47
Date: 2010-09-20, 12:51AM CDT
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There was a time when I could say in all seriousness that the first and foremost reason that I didn't have a girlfriend was simply that I didn't know any girls. That is to say, there were no females with whom I spent any amount of time. The gender ratio of my immediate group of close friends has ebbed and flowed in the years since, peaking at something like 3/4 female, but seems to have reached a stable equilibrium roughly in line with the world as a whole. It's about 50/50 nowadays, which only makes sense, since nearly all my close friends are couples now. (Please don't read that last statement as an endorsement of the heteronormative paradigm.)
I also have a great deal more experience in observing other people's relationships than I have in being in a relationship myself, which any scientist will assure you is a much more reliable source of information.
I like to think that I have a pretty good understanding of women in general. At the same time, I recognize that, from a biological standpoint, at least "understanding women" is a lot more difficult than "understanding men." I can no longer recall the relevant figures, but there's a lot more active genetic code on the X chromosome than on the Y, which means that the ways in which men are different from women are much more predictable than the the ways in which one woman is different from another.
But, in any case, years of being around women without a fixed agenda has given me some useful knowledge.
I have at least a rudimentary understanding of how women's clothing sizes work, as well as the trends in sizing as it relates to specific retail chains.
I can, as necessary, make most necessary drug store/gas station purchases without complaint, embarrassment or needlessly specific instructions.
I have a borderline inappropriate wealth of knowledge and secondhand opinions on the various contraceptive options currently on the market.
I've developed a pretty good feel for when a problem being given voice is asking for a solution, or at least advice, and when to just respond with commiseration.
I can give a sincere opinion on your new haircut or shoes, or I can give a positive opinion. I usually know which to give.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
PostingID: 1963210098
Reply To This Post
There was a time when I could say in all seriousness that the first and foremost reason that I didn't have a girlfriend was simply that I didn't know any girls. That is to say, there were no females with whom I spent any amount of time. The gender ratio of my immediate group of close friends has ebbed and flowed in the years since, peaking at something like 3/4 female, but seems to have reached a stable equilibrium roughly in line with the world as a whole. It's about 50/50 nowadays, which only makes sense, since nearly all my close friends are couples now. (Please don't read that last statement as an endorsement of the heteronormative paradigm.)
I also have a great deal more experience in observing other people's relationships than I have in being in a relationship myself, which any scientist will assure you is a much more reliable source of information.
I like to think that I have a pretty good understanding of women in general. At the same time, I recognize that, from a biological standpoint, at least "understanding women" is a lot more difficult than "understanding men." I can no longer recall the relevant figures, but there's a lot more active genetic code on the X chromosome than on the Y, which means that the ways in which men are different from women are much more predictable than the the ways in which one woman is different from another.
But, in any case, years of being around women without a fixed agenda has given me some useful knowledge.
I have at least a rudimentary understanding of how women's clothing sizes work, as well as the trends in sizing as it relates to specific retail chains.
I can, as necessary, make most necessary drug store/gas station purchases without complaint, embarrassment or needlessly specific instructions.
I have a borderline inappropriate wealth of knowledge and secondhand opinions on the various contraceptive options currently on the market.
I've developed a pretty good feel for when a problem being given voice is asking for a solution, or at least advice, and when to just respond with commiseration.
I can give a sincere opinion on your new haircut or shoes, or I can give a positive opinion. I usually know which to give.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
- Location: Suburban Minneapolis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 | |
Sunday, September 19, 2010
The Fall Season - Day 46
Date: 2010-09-19, 12:53AM CDT
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I asked a married friend of mine today, to suggest a topic for a Craigslist ad. She told me that she had never actually figured out how to date, and that all she wanted to do was go to movies and watch TV.
I realized that, to no small degree, that's true for me as well. While the point of posting a personals ad on Craigslist is, undoubtedly, to get a date, what I actually want is the part of the relationship that exists after the point when you "go on dates." I want to hang out and watch TV. So, logically, it would be nice if we wanted to watch the same TV.
To clarify, I'm not talking about the point in a relationship when no one has anything to say, and you sit in the same room, staring at a television and not speaking to each other. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that two people can avoid that point for a lifetime, though I realize that's more of a gamble than I can reasonably expect to make casting blindly into the ether of Craigslist; I'm just saying, I'd like to spend some quality time on the couch.
I have a soft spot for infomercials. In particular any product that cooks or otherwise prepares food is reliably entertaining, in an unobtrusive way that doesn't interfere with conversation. Programs about knives that cut through steel cans, or convection ovens that cook in half the time of the old way are always pleasant. That peculiar machine that cooks apparently any imaginable foodstuff into a brown semi-circular lump has always been fascinating to me.
I also enjoy re-runs of familiar sitcoms, or basically any project Aaron Sorkin was ever involved in. I went to college on the premise that I might some day be paid to write, so I have an affinity for scripted television that seems increasingly archaic and quaint in today's television landscape.
I'm not saying I won't watch any reality TV. I don't want to watch people cry or yell at each other, but the shows that are ostensibly season-long game shows are pretty palatable. The most recent season of Top Chef was good, notwithstanding the disappointingly small part Anthony Bourdain had in the episode in which he was a guest judge.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free next Friday. There's nothing on anyway.
PostingID: 1961745230
Reply To This Post
I asked a married friend of mine today, to suggest a topic for a Craigslist ad. She told me that she had never actually figured out how to date, and that all she wanted to do was go to movies and watch TV.
I realized that, to no small degree, that's true for me as well. While the point of posting a personals ad on Craigslist is, undoubtedly, to get a date, what I actually want is the part of the relationship that exists after the point when you "go on dates." I want to hang out and watch TV. So, logically, it would be nice if we wanted to watch the same TV.
To clarify, I'm not talking about the point in a relationship when no one has anything to say, and you sit in the same room, staring at a television and not speaking to each other. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that two people can avoid that point for a lifetime, though I realize that's more of a gamble than I can reasonably expect to make casting blindly into the ether of Craigslist; I'm just saying, I'd like to spend some quality time on the couch.
I have a soft spot for infomercials. In particular any product that cooks or otherwise prepares food is reliably entertaining, in an unobtrusive way that doesn't interfere with conversation. Programs about knives that cut through steel cans, or convection ovens that cook in half the time of the old way are always pleasant. That peculiar machine that cooks apparently any imaginable foodstuff into a brown semi-circular lump has always been fascinating to me.
I also enjoy re-runs of familiar sitcoms, or basically any project Aaron Sorkin was ever involved in. I went to college on the premise that I might some day be paid to write, so I have an affinity for scripted television that seems increasingly archaic and quaint in today's television landscape.
I'm not saying I won't watch any reality TV. I don't want to watch people cry or yell at each other, but the shows that are ostensibly season-long game shows are pretty palatable. The most recent season of Top Chef was good, notwithstanding the disappointingly small part Anthony Bourdain had in the episode in which he was a guest judge.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free next Friday. There's nothing on anyway.
- Location: Suburban Minneapolis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 | |
Friday, September 17, 2010
Day of Atonement - Day 45
Date: 2010-09-18, 7:42AM CDT
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I don't have a fantastic track record with women, in general. And clearly some of the reason for it has been bad decision-making. But some measure of my lack of success with women seems to have been unavoidable. Just pure bad luck, or some unseen higher power working against me. So, despite the fact that I don't necessarily believe in either karma or YHWH, I thought today would be as good a day as any to clear the air betwixt me and lady-folk. Here's every bad thing I can remember doing. I mean, everything I can remember in the 5 minutes I'm willing to devote to this. But it covers girlfriends, friends, friend's girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, co-workers and roommates.
I'm sorry I bought you a hot-dog rotisserie instead of the steam-cleaner you wanted for your birthday.
I'm sorry I got boot prints on your retarded whale rug.
I'm sorry I answered my cell phone that one time while we were making out.
I'm sorry I kept calling your new boyfriend Jason even though that isn't his name.
I'm sorry for spending so much time trying to teach your parrots to say "I hate you."
I'm sorry I forgot to shower or shave before our first date.
I'm sorry I stopped calling or hanging out with you after the transit strike was over and I didn't need to stay the night on campus anymore.
I'm sorry I keep telling people that one time we hung out wasn't a date.
I'm sorry no one buys you drinks if we go to the bar together.
I'm sorry I didn't seem more upset when you broke up with me.
I'm sorry I dropped you that one time when I was trying to get you back home.
I'm sorry I told you that dip that I brought to your party was vegan.
I'm sorry I lit that hat you made for your boyfriend on fire.
I'm sorry I hit your boyfriend in the face with a 4-Square ball.
I'm sorry I keep telling people who haven't met you that you're a 12-foot-tall monster with arms like trees.
Anyway. I hope that clears things up.
I owe you a drink. I'm probably free next Friday.
PostingID: 1960336540
Reply To This Post
I don't have a fantastic track record with women, in general. And clearly some of the reason for it has been bad decision-making. But some measure of my lack of success with women seems to have been unavoidable. Just pure bad luck, or some unseen higher power working against me. So, despite the fact that I don't necessarily believe in either karma or YHWH, I thought today would be as good a day as any to clear the air betwixt me and lady-folk. Here's every bad thing I can remember doing. I mean, everything I can remember in the 5 minutes I'm willing to devote to this. But it covers girlfriends, friends, friend's girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, co-workers and roommates.
I'm sorry I bought you a hot-dog rotisserie instead of the steam-cleaner you wanted for your birthday.
I'm sorry I got boot prints on your retarded whale rug.
I'm sorry I answered my cell phone that one time while we were making out.
I'm sorry I kept calling your new boyfriend Jason even though that isn't his name.
I'm sorry for spending so much time trying to teach your parrots to say "I hate you."
I'm sorry I forgot to shower or shave before our first date.
I'm sorry I stopped calling or hanging out with you after the transit strike was over and I didn't need to stay the night on campus anymore.
I'm sorry I keep telling people that one time we hung out wasn't a date.
I'm sorry no one buys you drinks if we go to the bar together.
I'm sorry I didn't seem more upset when you broke up with me.
I'm sorry I dropped you that one time when I was trying to get you back home.
I'm sorry I told you that dip that I brought to your party was vegan.
I'm sorry I lit that hat you made for your boyfriend on fire.
I'm sorry I hit your boyfriend in the face with a 4-Square ball.
I'm sorry I keep telling people who haven't met you that you're a 12-foot-tall monster with arms like trees.
Anyway. I hope that clears things up.
I owe you a drink. I'm probably free next Friday.
- Location: Suburban Minneapolis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 | |
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Good advice - Day 44
Date: 2010-09-16, 7:44PM CDT
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If you don't begin dating until your early 20s, your personal life becomes a subject of interest for your friends. That causes some complications, but what it also leads to, is a lot of advice. And, in all likelihood, much better advice than you'd have gotten from your friends when they were in their teens. I've been trying to remember all the most memorable advice I've gotten on women, be it from friends, relatives, casual enemies or ex-girlfriends. I'm pretty sure the most memorable isn't always the best advice, but here's what I came up with.
"You have to stop chasing after girls that are going to cheat on you."
"Only hang out with girls who will let you see them naked. It's crass, but an effective rule of thumb to have. Especially for you."
"Don't tell girls what's in your head. I mean, I don't know, maybe what's in your head is good, but what's in my head is awful."
"Let a girl finish her sentence."
"You should turn off your brain on dates."
"Girls like to dance."
"Quit being an asshole."
"Dames is grief."
"You should date the currency exchange girl at the airport."
"The problem with dating a stripper isn't that she get's naked for money, it's that she hates her dad."
"Cut your hair and shave."
"It's all about making a nice moment. And I'm gay for saying it."
Really, it's pure dumb luck that I can deal with women as well as I can.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
PostingID: 1958076842
Reply To This Post
If you don't begin dating until your early 20s, your personal life becomes a subject of interest for your friends. That causes some complications, but what it also leads to, is a lot of advice. And, in all likelihood, much better advice than you'd have gotten from your friends when they were in their teens. I've been trying to remember all the most memorable advice I've gotten on women, be it from friends, relatives, casual enemies or ex-girlfriends. I'm pretty sure the most memorable isn't always the best advice, but here's what I came up with.
"You have to stop chasing after girls that are going to cheat on you."
"Only hang out with girls who will let you see them naked. It's crass, but an effective rule of thumb to have. Especially for you."
"Don't tell girls what's in your head. I mean, I don't know, maybe what's in your head is good, but what's in my head is awful."
"Let a girl finish her sentence."
"You should turn off your brain on dates."
"Girls like to dance."
"Quit being an asshole."
"Dames is grief."
"You should date the currency exchange girl at the airport."
"The problem with dating a stripper isn't that she get's naked for money, it's that she hates her dad."
"Cut your hair and shave."
"It's all about making a nice moment. And I'm gay for saying it."
Really, it's pure dumb luck that I can deal with women as well as I can.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
- Location: Suburban Minneapolis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 | |
These aren't the boys you're looking for. Move along. - Day 43
Date: 2010-09-16, 12:11AM CDT
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I've never owned, or even read a comic book in its entirety. The last time I purchased a video game system was over ten years ago. I don't have a ponytail or drink off-brand Dr Pepper from 2-liter bottles while I read things on the internet.
That being said, there were times in my life when, without question, those were my people. I carry the scars, and I could still probably recite credits scrawl of all three Star Wars movies. (That's right, I said three, and I meant three.) The thing about growing up nerd is that the vast majority of us grow out of it. And while it wasn't the case with me, most of us force our way out of it to meet girls.
It's not that aren't girls in nerd culture; it's just that they're exceedingly rare, and therefore hugely inflated in value. Which is why, no matter how much you might dig girls who have strong opinions about Greedo shooting first, they are, by and large, totally undateable. It's not their fault. Spending your adolescence being fawned over by a group of six to eight pale, socially inept borderline autistics will always warp a young lady's worldview and leave her lacking in a few key coping mechanisms. If all you ever had to do to get the attention of the opposite sex was to snap your fingers and quote a few lines of Douglas Adams, it's understandable that you might wind up a little self-involved and short on basic social graces.
But like I said, most of us, who grew up as nerds, escape. Some of us just turned into normal, contributing members of society. Some of us went hipster, a few turned to rock-a-billy, which I'm sure we can all agree is a lateral move at best. The point is, the recovering nerd girls are still pretty awesome. They all seem to have gotten long-term service industry jobs and tattoos of "Slave 1." And, for the most part, they've proven socially resilient enough to have a conversation about books, or music, unless I'm drunk and someone says something about Captain Picard being better than Captain Kirk and I have to shout at them, in which case they usually have some cogent insight. And I find it charming.
I'm really hoping this ad doesn't result in a bunch of responses from LARPers and Renaissance Faire employees, though. That would just bum everyone out.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
PostingID: 1956564076
Reply To This Post
I've never owned, or even read a comic book in its entirety. The last time I purchased a video game system was over ten years ago. I don't have a ponytail or drink off-brand Dr Pepper from 2-liter bottles while I read things on the internet.
That being said, there were times in my life when, without question, those were my people. I carry the scars, and I could still probably recite credits scrawl of all three Star Wars movies. (That's right, I said three, and I meant three.) The thing about growing up nerd is that the vast majority of us grow out of it. And while it wasn't the case with me, most of us force our way out of it to meet girls.
It's not that aren't girls in nerd culture; it's just that they're exceedingly rare, and therefore hugely inflated in value. Which is why, no matter how much you might dig girls who have strong opinions about Greedo shooting first, they are, by and large, totally undateable. It's not their fault. Spending your adolescence being fawned over by a group of six to eight pale, socially inept borderline autistics will always warp a young lady's worldview and leave her lacking in a few key coping mechanisms. If all you ever had to do to get the attention of the opposite sex was to snap your fingers and quote a few lines of Douglas Adams, it's understandable that you might wind up a little self-involved and short on basic social graces.
But like I said, most of us, who grew up as nerds, escape. Some of us just turned into normal, contributing members of society. Some of us went hipster, a few turned to rock-a-billy, which I'm sure we can all agree is a lateral move at best. The point is, the recovering nerd girls are still pretty awesome. They all seem to have gotten long-term service industry jobs and tattoos of "Slave 1." And, for the most part, they've proven socially resilient enough to have a conversation about books, or music, unless I'm drunk and someone says something about Captain Picard being better than Captain Kirk and I have to shout at them, in which case they usually have some cogent insight. And I find it charming.
I'm really hoping this ad doesn't result in a bunch of responses from LARPers and Renaissance Faire employees, though. That would just bum everyone out.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
- Location: Suburban Minneapolis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 | |
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
When a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of self-sabotage - Day 42
Date: 2010-09-14, 12:28AM CDT
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About once a year, often in the spring, when the ice is thawing and people start to remember the small joys of being alive again, I find myself thinking back on my life and remembering one or another of the girls with whom things ended badly for whatever reason. One of the bare handful that I can sincerely and unashamedly say that I was wholeheartedly in love with. Especially if we've kept in touch and are both alone, I find myself thinking that I should call or write. That I should tell them I don't hold a grudge. That when I think back, almost everything I remember is good, and that I still miss them and care about them, and maybe we should stop being silly and give it another chance. Every year.
And then every year, April Fools day comes and goes and I forget to do it.
I should really set a reminder on my phone or something.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
PostingID: 1952913933
Reply To This Post
About once a year, often in the spring, when the ice is thawing and people start to remember the small joys of being alive again, I find myself thinking back on my life and remembering one or another of the girls with whom things ended badly for whatever reason. One of the bare handful that I can sincerely and unashamedly say that I was wholeheartedly in love with. Especially if we've kept in touch and are both alone, I find myself thinking that I should call or write. That I should tell them I don't hold a grudge. That when I think back, almost everything I remember is good, and that I still miss them and care about them, and maybe we should stop being silly and give it another chance. Every year.
And then every year, April Fools day comes and goes and I forget to do it.
I should really set a reminder on my phone or something.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
- Location: Suburban Minneapolis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 | |
Monday, September 13, 2010
Sometimes, you have to mop - Day 41
Date: 2010-09-13, 12:53AM CDT
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A startling number of single lady friends of mine have, after reading Craigslist ads that I've written, told me, "If I hadn't already met you, I would totally have responded to that ad."
The optimist in me says that they are simply expressing an unwillingness to cross the platonic line of demarcation in an existing relationship. The more distressing reading of that statement, however is, "I would respond to your ad, but having met you in person, I recognize various undateable qualities that are not addressed in your ads up to this point."
And that's completely fair. I, like most dudes (people in general, but dudes in particular), am unpleasant in a number of ways. You know, not a typical grimy bachelor, I suppose, but certainly helped out by the polish that having a lady around to impress brings to my day-to-day.
Case in point, while writing this, literally just this second, I picked a tie up out of a bowl that still has a little ramen in it. Now, this means that I am a guy who wears a tie, and continues to wear it after work until settling down at his computer to write personal ads before bed. But assuredly it means that I could be trying harder at life in general.
And that's definitely on the short list of reasons to seek out the company of women. I'm not saying I expect girls to be looking for a fixer-upper. Few are, and the ones who are often have inscrutable plans.
My close friends, however, are almost exclusively couples at this point in life. And in many, if not most cases, very complimentary. I couldn't really stretch my understanding of gender roles to figure out what the women are getting out of any of those relationships, but the men have been prompted to gather any number of the semblances of adulthood around themselves.
Health insurance. Pants never owned by another person. Produce in your refrigerator. Multiple place settings of flatware. Clean bathtubs. Laundry separated into separate loads by color. These are the things that a lady brings to the table. A lot of the guys I know are undoubtedly extreme examples of the phenomenon I'm talking about here, but you get the idea.
Anyway, I'm Dan. If you'd like to go out next Friday, I'll get a real haircut instead of cutting it myself over the toilet, using the water as a mirror.
PostingID: 1950952556
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A startling number of single lady friends of mine have, after reading Craigslist ads that I've written, told me, "If I hadn't already met you, I would totally have responded to that ad."
The optimist in me says that they are simply expressing an unwillingness to cross the platonic line of demarcation in an existing relationship. The more distressing reading of that statement, however is, "I would respond to your ad, but having met you in person, I recognize various undateable qualities that are not addressed in your ads up to this point."
And that's completely fair. I, like most dudes (people in general, but dudes in particular), am unpleasant in a number of ways. You know, not a typical grimy bachelor, I suppose, but certainly helped out by the polish that having a lady around to impress brings to my day-to-day.
Case in point, while writing this, literally just this second, I picked a tie up out of a bowl that still has a little ramen in it. Now, this means that I am a guy who wears a tie, and continues to wear it after work until settling down at his computer to write personal ads before bed. But assuredly it means that I could be trying harder at life in general.
And that's definitely on the short list of reasons to seek out the company of women. I'm not saying I expect girls to be looking for a fixer-upper. Few are, and the ones who are often have inscrutable plans.
My close friends, however, are almost exclusively couples at this point in life. And in many, if not most cases, very complimentary. I couldn't really stretch my understanding of gender roles to figure out what the women are getting out of any of those relationships, but the men have been prompted to gather any number of the semblances of adulthood around themselves.
Health insurance. Pants never owned by another person. Produce in your refrigerator. Multiple place settings of flatware. Clean bathtubs. Laundry separated into separate loads by color. These are the things that a lady brings to the table. A lot of the guys I know are undoubtedly extreme examples of the phenomenon I'm talking about here, but you get the idea.
Anyway, I'm Dan. If you'd like to go out next Friday, I'll get a real haircut instead of cutting it myself over the toilet, using the water as a mirror.
- Location: Suburban Minneapolis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 | |
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Go out with me: A functionalist approach - Day 40
Date: 2010-09-12, 9:36PM CDT
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Some time ago, someone asked me why it was that I never seem to get upset about anything that anyone, either in my life, or in the news, does. I thought about it and realized that I basically assume everyone's actions are just a product of either their upbringing or their genetics and so nothing they do is really their fault.
It would be cynical of me to rob humanity of its capacity for free will like that, except that my view doesn't really apply to me, or to anyone I know very well. The fact that people I know well don't do anything to upset me is some combination of luck, the fact that I know them well enough to predict their actions, and that they're not jerks, for the most part.
My original point, however, is that, on some level, at least, I assume that people are operating on evolved instinct. That's probably at least part of why I've had such a difficult time figuring out what precisely women look for in a romantic partner. No one actually knows. It's too far down in everyone's reptilian brain for anyone to say with certainty.
So, ignoring for the moment, the obvious reality that no one on Craigslist is consciously looking to procreate with the strongest and smartest (unless that's what "Miscellaneous Romance" is all about, I've never checked), my project probably won't be hurt by listing the credentials that would be included if I were donating my DNA.
- I have a job and a car.
- I have perfect eyesight.
- I'm tall and have never broken a bone. (Not one of my own, at least.)
- I have an exceptional immune system, which I routinely stress test by living unhealthily and eating food of questionable age and quality.
- I have no known allergies.
- I have no family history of cancer.
- I'm a college graduate.
- I'm exceptionally bright, but have the sense to know that guys who know their IQ off the top of their heads are usually intolerable.
- I would probably win in a fight against most land mammals.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
PostingID: 1950793437
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Some time ago, someone asked me why it was that I never seem to get upset about anything that anyone, either in my life, or in the news, does. I thought about it and realized that I basically assume everyone's actions are just a product of either their upbringing or their genetics and so nothing they do is really their fault.
It would be cynical of me to rob humanity of its capacity for free will like that, except that my view doesn't really apply to me, or to anyone I know very well. The fact that people I know well don't do anything to upset me is some combination of luck, the fact that I know them well enough to predict their actions, and that they're not jerks, for the most part.
My original point, however, is that, on some level, at least, I assume that people are operating on evolved instinct. That's probably at least part of why I've had such a difficult time figuring out what precisely women look for in a romantic partner. No one actually knows. It's too far down in everyone's reptilian brain for anyone to say with certainty.
So, ignoring for the moment, the obvious reality that no one on Craigslist is consciously looking to procreate with the strongest and smartest (unless that's what "Miscellaneous Romance" is all about, I've never checked), my project probably won't be hurt by listing the credentials that would be included if I were donating my DNA.
- I have a job and a car.
- I have perfect eyesight.
- I'm tall and have never broken a bone. (Not one of my own, at least.)
- I have an exceptional immune system, which I routinely stress test by living unhealthily and eating food of questionable age and quality.
- I have no known allergies.
- I have no family history of cancer.
- I'm a college graduate.
- I'm exceptionally bright, but have the sense to know that guys who know their IQ off the top of their heads are usually intolerable.
- I would probably win in a fight against most land mammals.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
- Location: Suburban Minneapolis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 | |
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Girls retreat - Day 39
Date: 2010-09-11, 9:48PM CDT
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I guess it's sort of implied by the existence of this project that, under normal circumstances, I'm not the most motivated guy when it comes to finding women. The whole 100 Days thing is really just a ruse to trick myself into staying interested.
A lot of my friends, have pointed out that I am, in the crass parlance of sales work, "not much of a closer." I don't really mean that in the tawdry sense of "not looking to get laid"; I've covered that already, and it's a separate issue. I just mean I too frequently lose motivation to move a relationship forward even when I haven't specifically lost interest in doing so.
Too often, friends will ask me things like, "What ever happened to that girl you were talking to who worked at KFAI? She was cute, at least on the internet," and the answer comes back, "Oh, huh. Yeah, she didn't respond to my last text, and I forgot to e-mail her or anything after that. It's already been four days, it would probably be weird now." It's a bad habit, but easy enough to break I suppose.
The real problem is that girls, even the less conventional ones, seem to be conditioned to expect some level of pursuit. I'm more than capable of it, but I find I have to walk a fine line. It takes a lot for a soft-spoken, physically unimposing guy to seem like a stalker, but I'm 6'6" and kind of a jerk by most standards.
There's a saying in the rental business that if you don't have at least 10% vacancy, you're not charging enough. It would seem to follow that if no girl has ever actually had to tell you she's not interested, you're not trying hard enough.
So, I guess that settles it. Carpe diem.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free tomorrow.
PostingID: 1949332359
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I guess it's sort of implied by the existence of this project that, under normal circumstances, I'm not the most motivated guy when it comes to finding women. The whole 100 Days thing is really just a ruse to trick myself into staying interested.
A lot of my friends, have pointed out that I am, in the crass parlance of sales work, "not much of a closer." I don't really mean that in the tawdry sense of "not looking to get laid"; I've covered that already, and it's a separate issue. I just mean I too frequently lose motivation to move a relationship forward even when I haven't specifically lost interest in doing so.
Too often, friends will ask me things like, "What ever happened to that girl you were talking to who worked at KFAI? She was cute, at least on the internet," and the answer comes back, "Oh, huh. Yeah, she didn't respond to my last text, and I forgot to e-mail her or anything after that. It's already been four days, it would probably be weird now." It's a bad habit, but easy enough to break I suppose.
The real problem is that girls, even the less conventional ones, seem to be conditioned to expect some level of pursuit. I'm more than capable of it, but I find I have to walk a fine line. It takes a lot for a soft-spoken, physically unimposing guy to seem like a stalker, but I'm 6'6" and kind of a jerk by most standards.
There's a saying in the rental business that if you don't have at least 10% vacancy, you're not charging enough. It would seem to follow that if no girl has ever actually had to tell you she's not interested, you're not trying hard enough.
So, I guess that settles it. Carpe diem.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free tomorrow.
- Location: Suburban Minneapolis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 | |
It's probably bad form to quote ELO in a personal ad - Day 38
Date: 2010-09-11, 6:40AM CDT
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It only takes about two semesters of liberal arts college to convince you that you're not a good person. Or at least that you have no way of knowing whether you are or not. After a couple of sociology and philosophy courses, it becomes painfully obvious that being kind and courteous to others is in your best interest, which means that the most evil and self-serving people, would, with proper foresight, act pretty much like everyone else unless they had a specific and immediate goal in mind.
So that's my excuse for not being able to say, with certainty, that I'm an objectively good person. But the thing is, I've realized recently that I don't actually care that much. And I certainly don't care if you're a good person.
I've found it's a lot easier to concern myself with a person's actions than their motivations. I don't really care if you're secretly plotting against me, as long as you're fun at parties. A girl who laughs at my jokes because it's part of her diabolical plan to ruin my life is infinitely preferable to one who wants to stay home and clean her kitchen, but wishes me the best. I have every confidence in future-me to deal with tomorrow.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free next Friday, too.
PostingID: 1947966030
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It only takes about two semesters of liberal arts college to convince you that you're not a good person. Or at least that you have no way of knowing whether you are or not. After a couple of sociology and philosophy courses, it becomes painfully obvious that being kind and courteous to others is in your best interest, which means that the most evil and self-serving people, would, with proper foresight, act pretty much like everyone else unless they had a specific and immediate goal in mind.
So that's my excuse for not being able to say, with certainty, that I'm an objectively good person. But the thing is, I've realized recently that I don't actually care that much. And I certainly don't care if you're a good person.
I've found it's a lot easier to concern myself with a person's actions than their motivations. I don't really care if you're secretly plotting against me, as long as you're fun at parties. A girl who laughs at my jokes because it's part of her diabolical plan to ruin my life is infinitely preferable to one who wants to stay home and clean her kitchen, but wishes me the best. I have every confidence in future-me to deal with tomorrow.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free next Friday, too.
- Location: Suburban Minneapolis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 | |
Friday, September 10, 2010
Perception vs. Reality - Day 37
Date: 2010-09-09, 10:46PM CDT
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I was trying to start writing this ad while I was at work today. One of my co-workers asked what I was writing about, and I realized I didn't really have an answer. So, I asked a group of my co-workers, if they were trying to describe me to someone who had never met me, what would they say.
The following are excerpts from their responses.
He's 9 feet tall and puts leaded gas in his morning coffee.
He sleeps in a suit and tie, but won't tie his shoes for a funeral.
He knows a lot about sandwiches.
He eats children and took a bear to the prom.
He fell asleep on top of a police horse once.
None of those things are technically true, except the bit about the sandwiches, which in all honesty, came from the least funny of my co-workers, but I've always wondered what kind of impression I make on people if I'm not trying to make an impression one way or the other.
It was a sobering experience, but I can't say I was displeased by the picture they painted.
It makes me want to meet the kind of girl who drinks whiskey out of a coffee can and throws other people's shoes at limousines. I don't even know if that's a kind of girl who exists, but I'd like the chance to introduce myself if she does.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
PostingID: 1945947476
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I was trying to start writing this ad while I was at work today. One of my co-workers asked what I was writing about, and I realized I didn't really have an answer. So, I asked a group of my co-workers, if they were trying to describe me to someone who had never met me, what would they say.
The following are excerpts from their responses.
He's 9 feet tall and puts leaded gas in his morning coffee.
He sleeps in a suit and tie, but won't tie his shoes for a funeral.
He knows a lot about sandwiches.
He eats children and took a bear to the prom.
He fell asleep on top of a police horse once.
None of those things are technically true, except the bit about the sandwiches, which in all honesty, came from the least funny of my co-workers, but I've always wondered what kind of impression I make on people if I'm not trying to make an impression one way or the other.
It was a sobering experience, but I can't say I was displeased by the picture they painted.
It makes me want to meet the kind of girl who drinks whiskey out of a coffee can and throws other people's shoes at limousines. I don't even know if that's a kind of girl who exists, but I'd like the chance to introduce myself if she does.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
- Location: Suburban Minneapolis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 | |
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Hometown pride - Day 36
Date: 2010-09-08, 9:55PM CDT
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Minneapolis is a great town. I know probably a dozen people who moved away in their early 20s, and without exception, the ones who haven't moved back are planning it.
There are dozens of places for good Vietnamese food, the cops don't really mind if you drink in the parks, so long as you're discreet, the streets are clean and the panhandlers are at least courteous when they're not colorful.
Also, you can't swing a dead cat in this town without hitting a cute girl. Though, for the record, I can't recommend it as a method for finding them, because even when it works, I doubt any of them would want to go out with a guy who hit them with a dead cat.
People occasionally ask me why I don't like travel. Aside from the inconveniences of actually getting to the places people seem to want to visit, it just seems like being bored with here would take a tremendous lack of imagination. You haven't been to all the museums in Minneapolis, and neither have I. Or maybe you have, but have you read all the plaques? (I'm mostly joking about that one, please don't make me wait while you read all the plaques.) But, you want to buy a meal from a guy who doesn't speak English? Tell me when; I'll buy.
I guess St. Paul is probably fine too, or whatever. If you have any evidence of it, I'm willing to listen.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
PostingID: 1944076537
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Minneapolis is a great town. I know probably a dozen people who moved away in their early 20s, and without exception, the ones who haven't moved back are planning it.
There are dozens of places for good Vietnamese food, the cops don't really mind if you drink in the parks, so long as you're discreet, the streets are clean and the panhandlers are at least courteous when they're not colorful.
Also, you can't swing a dead cat in this town without hitting a cute girl. Though, for the record, I can't recommend it as a method for finding them, because even when it works, I doubt any of them would want to go out with a guy who hit them with a dead cat.
People occasionally ask me why I don't like travel. Aside from the inconveniences of actually getting to the places people seem to want to visit, it just seems like being bored with here would take a tremendous lack of imagination. You haven't been to all the museums in Minneapolis, and neither have I. Or maybe you have, but have you read all the plaques? (I'm mostly joking about that one, please don't make me wait while you read all the plaques.) But, you want to buy a meal from a guy who doesn't speak English? Tell me when; I'll buy.
I guess St. Paul is probably fine too, or whatever. If you have any evidence of it, I'm willing to listen.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
- Location: Suburban Minneapolis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 | |
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
When life gives you lemons, the pie is a lot more work - Day 35
Date: 2010-09-07, 8:16PM CDT
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My plans for the evening appear to have fallen through. I wasn't precisely stood up, though it's a better story to say I was. In any case, I've found myself with some extra time on my hands.
I made pie.
I'm free this evening, it appears. If you'd like to hang out, I can bring pie.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday, though there's unlikely to be any pie left by then.
PostingID: 1942072195
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My plans for the evening appear to have fallen through. I wasn't precisely stood up, though it's a better story to say I was. In any case, I've found myself with some extra time on my hands.
I made pie.
I'm free this evening, it appears. If you'd like to hang out, I can bring pie.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday, though there's unlikely to be any pie left by then.
- Location: Suburban Minneapolis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 | |
Monday, September 6, 2010
They're gonna have my badge for this - Day 34
Date: 2010-09-06, 6:23PM CDT
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There are a lot of w4m ads that indicate that ladies are looking for "a partner in crime." I did a search and found that there are, as we speak, a couple dozen people with ads up right now looking for partners in crime.
I know better than anyone that not every Craigslist ad is going to be successful, but even so, that's a lot of crime.
In fairness, no one seems to have a well developed plan of a specific crime to carry out. It's not clear to me what sort of crime requires precisely two people, and a Google search for "Good two-person crime ideas" was less than fruitful.
Just the same, someone needs to stop them, and logically, I won't be able to do it alone.
Some things you should know about me:
- I'm pretty straight laced.
- People refer to me as "by the book."
- I'm three weeks from retirement.
What I am looking for:
- Loose cannon.
- Plays by her own rules.
- Good hair and/or sweet nickname.
Let me know as soon as possible. I'd like to get started.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
PostingID: 1939949690
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There are a lot of w4m ads that indicate that ladies are looking for "a partner in crime." I did a search and found that there are, as we speak, a couple dozen people with ads up right now looking for partners in crime.
I know better than anyone that not every Craigslist ad is going to be successful, but even so, that's a lot of crime.
In fairness, no one seems to have a well developed plan of a specific crime to carry out. It's not clear to me what sort of crime requires precisely two people, and a Google search for "Good two-person crime ideas" was less than fruitful.
Just the same, someone needs to stop them, and logically, I won't be able to do it alone.
Some things you should know about me:
- I'm pretty straight laced.
- People refer to me as "by the book."
- I'm three weeks from retirement.
What I am looking for:
- Loose cannon.
- Plays by her own rules.
- Good hair and/or sweet nickname.
Let me know as soon as possible. I'd like to get started.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
- Location: Suburban Minneapolis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 | |
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Lightning Round - Day 33
Date: 2010-09-04, 8:33PM CDT
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The most common complaint I've heard from friends, since I started posting Craigslist ads, is that I think too much.
I'm going out for drinks in a little while. I'm probably, but not necessarily, going to meet up with some friends. If you'd care to join me, just text me and ask where I am.
I'm not out the door yet, but it seems prudent to post this ad while the desirable sort of lady might still be at her computer.
The prime factors of my cell number are twenty-three thousand twenty nine & two hundred sixty-five thousand eight hundred sixty-one.
PostingID: 1937180927
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The most common complaint I've heard from friends, since I started posting Craigslist ads, is that I think too much.
I'm going out for drinks in a little while. I'm probably, but not necessarily, going to meet up with some friends. If you'd care to join me, just text me and ask where I am.
I'm not out the door yet, but it seems prudent to post this ad while the desirable sort of lady might still be at her computer.
The prime factors of my cell number are twenty-three thousand twenty nine & two hundred sixty-five thousand eight hundred sixty-one.
- Location: In Minneapolis Tonight
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 | |
Great Skills - Day 32
Date: 2010-09-04, 6:53PM CDT
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A couple of ladies I know used to live together. One of them was complaining to me one day that the other's boyfriend was over at their house too often.
"He's nice or whatever, but he's no kind of man-help," she told me.
I think there's something to that. Have you met dudes lately? I mean, on our best day, we're not that pleasant to be around. I consider myself fairly charming in a saying-mean-things-about-strangers kind of way, and I'm more than capable of being kind and even thoughtful when the situation calls for it, but really, if I was a girl, I'd need something more out of the bargain if I were going to invite me over.
Luckily, I'm also useful.
I can carry four cases of beer for several blocks.
I can cook several delicious meals from the food in your house, even when you think it's time to buy groceries.
I can rid your apartment of most types of bugs, mice and other household pests with minimal disruption to your daily routine.
I can break down and reassemble almost any IKEA furniture ever made like it's a carbine rifle, if it won't fit through the door or down the stairs when you move.
I can edit your résumé.
I remain under the legal limit after drinking as much as most people care to drink in an evening. A sober-enough-cab is more fun than a sober-cab anyway.
I can find karaoke and/or pitcher specials almost any night of the week in Minneapolis or the respectably close suburbs.
I am sufficiently fluent in both drunk and cretin to talk my way out of an altercation with even the surliest of passing bar patrons.
I've read basically the whole internet, so I know a lot of stuff, and the things I don't know, I can find pretty fast.
Years of afternoon shift jobs and daytime cable TV have filled my head sufficiently with a basic understanding of fashion and design that I can help you buy clothes and furniture.
I can change the oil, a tire, a fuse, a battery or a headlamp in your car.
None of these are exceptional in and of themselves, but added up, they're a good enough reason to have a guy around.
And by "a guy," I guess I specifically mean me.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
PostingID: 1937075013
Reply To This Post
A couple of ladies I know used to live together. One of them was complaining to me one day that the other's boyfriend was over at their house too often.
"He's nice or whatever, but he's no kind of man-help," she told me.
I think there's something to that. Have you met dudes lately? I mean, on our best day, we're not that pleasant to be around. I consider myself fairly charming in a saying-mean-things-about-strangers kind of way, and I'm more than capable of being kind and even thoughtful when the situation calls for it, but really, if I was a girl, I'd need something more out of the bargain if I were going to invite me over.
Luckily, I'm also useful.
I can carry four cases of beer for several blocks.
I can cook several delicious meals from the food in your house, even when you think it's time to buy groceries.
I can rid your apartment of most types of bugs, mice and other household pests with minimal disruption to your daily routine.
I can break down and reassemble almost any IKEA furniture ever made like it's a carbine rifle, if it won't fit through the door or down the stairs when you move.
I can edit your résumé.
I remain under the legal limit after drinking as much as most people care to drink in an evening. A sober-enough-cab is more fun than a sober-cab anyway.
I can find karaoke and/or pitcher specials almost any night of the week in Minneapolis or the respectably close suburbs.
I am sufficiently fluent in both drunk and cretin to talk my way out of an altercation with even the surliest of passing bar patrons.
I've read basically the whole internet, so I know a lot of stuff, and the things I don't know, I can find pretty fast.
Years of afternoon shift jobs and daytime cable TV have filled my head sufficiently with a basic understanding of fashion and design that I can help you buy clothes and furniture.
I can change the oil, a tire, a fuse, a battery or a headlamp in your car.
None of these are exceptional in and of themselves, but added up, they're a good enough reason to have a guy around.
And by "a guy," I guess I specifically mean me.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
- Location: Suburban Minneapolis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 | |
Friday, September 3, 2010
Willing to try new things - Day 31
Date: 2010-09-03, 12:05AM CDT
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Everyone says they want to meet someone who's into new experiences. Adventure. I've spent a lot of time on Craigslist lately. When I'm not looking at the personals, I spend a lot of time on the "Free" section, and I've been thinking.
There's a lot of stuff in the free section that floats. If we both quit our jobs, max out our credit cards and sell our furniture, I think we could pick up enough buoyant material for from Craigslist to support our weight, plus a small shelter, the fixtures to lash everything together, and a shallow layer of topsoil, with enough time and money left over to outfit our floating island with basic supplies within a couple of weeks.
I haven't done all the calculations about speed, but I'm fairly certain we can outrun the freezing whether floating unpropelled down the Mississippi. If we dock the island at night, and spend a little time checking Craigslist on the way south, I think we could increase the size of the island enough to support a small army by the time we reach East St. Louis.
By Christmas, we'll be the unquestioned sovereigns of an island nation floating out into the Gulf of Mexico, free from the shackles of the dreary lives we left behind.
...
Or else there's a new Thai place I heard about.
I'm Dan, by the way. I'm probably free this Friday.
PostingID: 1934043881
Reply To This Post
Everyone says they want to meet someone who's into new experiences. Adventure. I've spent a lot of time on Craigslist lately. When I'm not looking at the personals, I spend a lot of time on the "Free" section, and I've been thinking.
There's a lot of stuff in the free section that floats. If we both quit our jobs, max out our credit cards and sell our furniture, I think we could pick up enough buoyant material for from Craigslist to support our weight, plus a small shelter, the fixtures to lash everything together, and a shallow layer of topsoil, with enough time and money left over to outfit our floating island with basic supplies within a couple of weeks.
I haven't done all the calculations about speed, but I'm fairly certain we can outrun the freezing whether floating unpropelled down the Mississippi. If we dock the island at night, and spend a little time checking Craigslist on the way south, I think we could increase the size of the island enough to support a small army by the time we reach East St. Louis.
By Christmas, we'll be the unquestioned sovereigns of an island nation floating out into the Gulf of Mexico, free from the shackles of the dreary lives we left behind.
...
Or else there's a new Thai place I heard about.
I'm Dan, by the way. I'm probably free this Friday.
- Location: Suburban Minneapolis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 | |
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Yipee ki-yay - Day 30
Date: 2010-09-01, 11:27PM CDT
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We're really not supposed to let women know this, and I might get in trouble for telling you, but all any guy really wants is a red-head who drinks Scotch and likes Die Hard. But really, hair color is mutable, and I'm not picky about your preference in the national origin of your whiskey. But it is surprising to me how few young women have even seen Die Hard.
I seem to spend at least a few minutes in the first couple of dates with every girl I can remember insisting that we need to watch Die Hard, but it never seems to pan out for me. The truth is, I think I might have placed too much importance on it, but I also don't like leaving things undone.
So, the following is a brief summary of the plot of Die Hard, to the best of my recollection:
It's right before Christmas, maybe Christmas eve, and Bruce Willis is on a plane to go see his wife, who lives across the country, because it wouldn't be a Bruce Willis movie if he wasn't pissed off and hung over because his wife just left him. Anyway, the stereotypical 1980s sassy black limo driver drives him to the building where his wife works and he's getting ready to go to her fancy Japanese business man Christmas party. He takes his shoes off because someone on the plane told him it cures jet lag. He's barefoot for the whole rest of the movie, I think, which is only important because the bad guys shoot some glass and he has to walk across it later in the movie.
So anyway, the bad guys come and take over the building and take all the party people hostage. Alan Rickman is the main bad guy, but then there's also the black guy who does all the computer stuff, and an asian guy who might be the same guy who electrocutes Mel Gibson in the first Lethal Weapon, but maybe that's racist that I think that. I'd have to check IMDB. Anyway, the rest of them are big European guys. German, I think, because this was before the Berlin wall fell, and Germans were still always bad guys. No, yeah, they're totally German, because Alan Rickman's name is Hans, and one of the other guys is Karl. Bruce Willis is "John McCLane" by the way, which is one of the best action names ever. Anyway...
So yeah, the bad guys take over the building and they talk to the head of the company, and you think they're terrorists, but it turns out they just want to steal like 600 million dollars worth of bonds he has in a vault. That was actually a totally good twist when the movie came out because back then all action movie bad guys were either terrorists or drug dealers.
They shoot the Japanese CEO or whatever, because he won't tell them the code to open the vault, but then the computer guy says he can drill through the lock, except one that's like electromagnetic.
Anyway, Bruce Willis hears them shooting people and then he kills a couple of the bad guys and tries to call the police to come help. They don't believe him, but then he throws one of the bad guys off the building and it lands on a cop car. The cop is the dad from that show with Steve Urkel, and he's like comic relief for the rest of the movie, talking to Bruce Willis on the radio. His name is like Roy or something. Or, no, he calls Bruce Willis "Roy" because Bruce Willis always liked Roy Rogers and he doesn't want the terrorists to know his real name and they're using radios too, so they can hear him talking.
So, Bruce Willis gets a machine gun and kills a whole bunch more of the bad guys, and then blows up a bunch of the building with some plastic explosives that one of the bad guys had. Then the FBI comes and shuts off the power, which is what Alan Rickman wanted, because now the last lock on the vault is open.
Oh! And maybe before that part, there's this oily cokehead who's all skeezing up on McClane's wife, and he tries to talk him into giving up because he thinks Bruce Willis is a loose cannon who's going to get everyone killed, and he's an '80s business man who thinks he can solve everything by negotiating. Anyway, the bad guys kill the skeezy guy and Bruce Willis feels bad, and the cops hear and think he should have given up to keep skeeze from getting killed, and maybe that's why they let the FBI shut off the power.
That's not important. The point is, the bad guys have the money, and they're planning to blow up the building so everyone thinks they all died and they can escape with their millions of dollars. And they ask for a helicopter so they can escape, except not really, because it's just a distraction and they blow up the helicopter too, I think. That's the scene everyone remembers with Bruce Willis jumping off the roof in front of an exploding helicopter.
Anyway, the bad guys see on the news that John McClane's wife is one of the hostages (and she's Bonnie Bedelia, if you know who that is), and then they bring all the hostages up onto the roof so they'll get blown up along with the helicopter. But then Bruce Willis goes up to the roof and scares everyone back downstairs by shooting machine guns and killing hostages. But then Alan Rickman is going to kill McClane's wife, but he gets shot instead, and almost drags her off the roof when he falls. But then Bruce Willis saves her. And that's pretty much the end.
Except where the cop who was the dad on Family Matters shoots one of the other bad guys, like the second main bad guy, Karl, right when he's going to kill McClane after getting off his stretcher on the ambulance.
Oh, and then Bonnie Bedelia punches the reporter who got her in trouble by showing her picture on the news. The reporter's been a total douche through the whole movie, too.
Anyway, then McClane and his wife are back together and everything's happy and Christmasy and it's raining flaming bearer bonds on everyone. Even though they're divorced I think by the third movie, or at least by the fourth one.
So, anyway, that's Die Hard. You don't have to watch it now, but we still could if you want.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday. And I have all four Die Hards on DVD.
PostingID: 1932245383
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We're really not supposed to let women know this, and I might get in trouble for telling you, but all any guy really wants is a red-head who drinks Scotch and likes Die Hard. But really, hair color is mutable, and I'm not picky about your preference in the national origin of your whiskey. But it is surprising to me how few young women have even seen Die Hard.
I seem to spend at least a few minutes in the first couple of dates with every girl I can remember insisting that we need to watch Die Hard, but it never seems to pan out for me. The truth is, I think I might have placed too much importance on it, but I also don't like leaving things undone.
So, the following is a brief summary of the plot of Die Hard, to the best of my recollection:
It's right before Christmas, maybe Christmas eve, and Bruce Willis is on a plane to go see his wife, who lives across the country, because it wouldn't be a Bruce Willis movie if he wasn't pissed off and hung over because his wife just left him. Anyway, the stereotypical 1980s sassy black limo driver drives him to the building where his wife works and he's getting ready to go to her fancy Japanese business man Christmas party. He takes his shoes off because someone on the plane told him it cures jet lag. He's barefoot for the whole rest of the movie, I think, which is only important because the bad guys shoot some glass and he has to walk across it later in the movie.
So anyway, the bad guys come and take over the building and take all the party people hostage. Alan Rickman is the main bad guy, but then there's also the black guy who does all the computer stuff, and an asian guy who might be the same guy who electrocutes Mel Gibson in the first Lethal Weapon, but maybe that's racist that I think that. I'd have to check IMDB. Anyway, the rest of them are big European guys. German, I think, because this was before the Berlin wall fell, and Germans were still always bad guys. No, yeah, they're totally German, because Alan Rickman's name is Hans, and one of the other guys is Karl. Bruce Willis is "John McCLane" by the way, which is one of the best action names ever. Anyway...
So yeah, the bad guys take over the building and they talk to the head of the company, and you think they're terrorists, but it turns out they just want to steal like 600 million dollars worth of bonds he has in a vault. That was actually a totally good twist when the movie came out because back then all action movie bad guys were either terrorists or drug dealers.
They shoot the Japanese CEO or whatever, because he won't tell them the code to open the vault, but then the computer guy says he can drill through the lock, except one that's like electromagnetic.
Anyway, Bruce Willis hears them shooting people and then he kills a couple of the bad guys and tries to call the police to come help. They don't believe him, but then he throws one of the bad guys off the building and it lands on a cop car. The cop is the dad from that show with Steve Urkel, and he's like comic relief for the rest of the movie, talking to Bruce Willis on the radio. His name is like Roy or something. Or, no, he calls Bruce Willis "Roy" because Bruce Willis always liked Roy Rogers and he doesn't want the terrorists to know his real name and they're using radios too, so they can hear him talking.
So, Bruce Willis gets a machine gun and kills a whole bunch more of the bad guys, and then blows up a bunch of the building with some plastic explosives that one of the bad guys had. Then the FBI comes and shuts off the power, which is what Alan Rickman wanted, because now the last lock on the vault is open.
Oh! And maybe before that part, there's this oily cokehead who's all skeezing up on McClane's wife, and he tries to talk him into giving up because he thinks Bruce Willis is a loose cannon who's going to get everyone killed, and he's an '80s business man who thinks he can solve everything by negotiating. Anyway, the bad guys kill the skeezy guy and Bruce Willis feels bad, and the cops hear and think he should have given up to keep skeeze from getting killed, and maybe that's why they let the FBI shut off the power.
That's not important. The point is, the bad guys have the money, and they're planning to blow up the building so everyone thinks they all died and they can escape with their millions of dollars. And they ask for a helicopter so they can escape, except not really, because it's just a distraction and they blow up the helicopter too, I think. That's the scene everyone remembers with Bruce Willis jumping off the roof in front of an exploding helicopter.
Anyway, the bad guys see on the news that John McClane's wife is one of the hostages (and she's Bonnie Bedelia, if you know who that is), and then they bring all the hostages up onto the roof so they'll get blown up along with the helicopter. But then Bruce Willis goes up to the roof and scares everyone back downstairs by shooting machine guns and killing hostages. But then Alan Rickman is going to kill McClane's wife, but he gets shot instead, and almost drags her off the roof when he falls. But then Bruce Willis saves her. And that's pretty much the end.
Except where the cop who was the dad on Family Matters shoots one of the other bad guys, like the second main bad guy, Karl, right when he's going to kill McClane after getting off his stretcher on the ambulance.
Oh, and then Bonnie Bedelia punches the reporter who got her in trouble by showing her picture on the news. The reporter's been a total douche through the whole movie, too.
Anyway, then McClane and his wife are back together and everything's happy and Christmasy and it's raining flaming bearer bonds on everyone. Even though they're divorced I think by the third movie, or at least by the fourth one.
So, anyway, that's Die Hard. You don't have to watch it now, but we still could if you want.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday. And I have all four Die Hards on DVD.
- Location: Suburban Minneapolis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 | |
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
The plan - Day 29
Date: 2010-09-01, 1:29AM CDT
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I always have a plan. Not a fixed goal, really, more like an itinerary, when I meet someone new. I've always found some value in doing things in order. In practice, relationships almost never follow the schedule I've mentally laid out for them, but the plan is always floating around in the back of my head.
First and foremost, this schedule is ritualized foot-dragging. I hesitate and I delay, sometimes just because I'm not very motivated. Sometimes, and this becomes the case some time between the first and second date, generally, it's because I've been conditioned to second guess my own instincts. That's probably why the girls I like best are usually the sort who say things like, "Ask me on a date sometime," and "You should invite me in when we get back."
The general schedule is something like this:
After half a dozen e-mails, phone numbers are exchanged.
Texting ensues, as an adjunct to continued e-mail. First date is suggested after a week since first contact. Usually scheduled a few days out.
First date ends with a handshake.
All right, I know that's a mistake. Let me digress from the schedule and clarify. I'm pretty sure a hug is a bad sign, but I live in fear of the lean-away, so I can't, even after the best imaginable first date, manage to make a move toward a goodnight kiss. Every time, I panic and offer the handshake. It wouldn't even be so bad, except that a girl who thinks the date went well is expecting a kiss. Even worse, a girl who thinks the date went poorly offers the hug and is usually so unprepared for the handshake that she finds herself already committed to the hug. The diabolical thing here is that it performs some sort of horrible social jujitsu and forces a girl to send the opposite message from what she intended. At some point I'm just giving up and walking away in the middle of the "Good night, I had fun."
Anyway, back to the schedule.
First dates are followed by several days of quiet, outwardly calm fretting and second-guessing of my ability to read social cues. If the date went well, assume that I've convinced myself you're avoiding my calls and trying to figure out how I seemed so much more charming on the internet than I am in person. The more I want to see you again, the more I'll question my assessment of the situation. I will probably delete your number from my phone to keep from sending more than two texts before hearing back from you.
Second dates are when I tell stories about my friends and tell you that you should meet them. That sets up the possibility of future dates outside of a bar setting. Barbecues, 4-Square games, my friend's sweet garage. Depending on alcohol consumption, maybe a goodnight kiss, usually awkward hug and a kiss on the cheek. It's undignified, I know.
The third date is generally one of the last that's set up well in advance and referred to by the formal title of "date." Usually there's a meal.
It gets hazy after that, but assume the next few weeks are when I start keeping your preferred liquor on hand out of courtesy and start checking whether you'd like to go out before making other plans on Friday night.
I've roughly determined five weeks to be the point at which I can buy gifts at appropriate occasions without it seeming creepy or presumptuous.
Looking at this schedule now, it might make me seem a little mentally ill. I'm confident that this is what goes on in everyone's head, though, and it's only putting it in words that makes it seem crazy.
It's also worth noting that the timeline only affects my behavior. I don't really have any expectations of anyone else's behavior at any point in a relationship. Though, it's been pointed out that a lot of the girls I've dated have cheated on me, so my expectations could probably stand to be adjusted a little. For now, though, I'm not looking beyond the first few weeks.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
PostingID: 1930495477
Reply To This Post
I always have a plan. Not a fixed goal, really, more like an itinerary, when I meet someone new. I've always found some value in doing things in order. In practice, relationships almost never follow the schedule I've mentally laid out for them, but the plan is always floating around in the back of my head.
First and foremost, this schedule is ritualized foot-dragging. I hesitate and I delay, sometimes just because I'm not very motivated. Sometimes, and this becomes the case some time between the first and second date, generally, it's because I've been conditioned to second guess my own instincts. That's probably why the girls I like best are usually the sort who say things like, "Ask me on a date sometime," and "You should invite me in when we get back."
The general schedule is something like this:
After half a dozen e-mails, phone numbers are exchanged.
Texting ensues, as an adjunct to continued e-mail. First date is suggested after a week since first contact. Usually scheduled a few days out.
First date ends with a handshake.
All right, I know that's a mistake. Let me digress from the schedule and clarify. I'm pretty sure a hug is a bad sign, but I live in fear of the lean-away, so I can't, even after the best imaginable first date, manage to make a move toward a goodnight kiss. Every time, I panic and offer the handshake. It wouldn't even be so bad, except that a girl who thinks the date went well is expecting a kiss. Even worse, a girl who thinks the date went poorly offers the hug and is usually so unprepared for the handshake that she finds herself already committed to the hug. The diabolical thing here is that it performs some sort of horrible social jujitsu and forces a girl to send the opposite message from what she intended. At some point I'm just giving up and walking away in the middle of the "Good night, I had fun."
Anyway, back to the schedule.
First dates are followed by several days of quiet, outwardly calm fretting and second-guessing of my ability to read social cues. If the date went well, assume that I've convinced myself you're avoiding my calls and trying to figure out how I seemed so much more charming on the internet than I am in person. The more I want to see you again, the more I'll question my assessment of the situation. I will probably delete your number from my phone to keep from sending more than two texts before hearing back from you.
Second dates are when I tell stories about my friends and tell you that you should meet them. That sets up the possibility of future dates outside of a bar setting. Barbecues, 4-Square games, my friend's sweet garage. Depending on alcohol consumption, maybe a goodnight kiss, usually awkward hug and a kiss on the cheek. It's undignified, I know.
The third date is generally one of the last that's set up well in advance and referred to by the formal title of "date." Usually there's a meal.
It gets hazy after that, but assume the next few weeks are when I start keeping your preferred liquor on hand out of courtesy and start checking whether you'd like to go out before making other plans on Friday night.
I've roughly determined five weeks to be the point at which I can buy gifts at appropriate occasions without it seeming creepy or presumptuous.
Looking at this schedule now, it might make me seem a little mentally ill. I'm confident that this is what goes on in everyone's head, though, and it's only putting it in words that makes it seem crazy.
It's also worth noting that the timeline only affects my behavior. I don't really have any expectations of anyone else's behavior at any point in a relationship. Though, it's been pointed out that a lot of the girls I've dated have cheated on me, so my expectations could probably stand to be adjusted a little. For now, though, I'm not looking beyond the first few weeks.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
- Location: Suburban Minneapolis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 | |
It's impolite to talk about money - Day 28
Date: 2010-08-31, 10:20PM CDT
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I started a new job a few weeks ago. I'm making decent money for the first time in over a year. That was actually one of the motivations for starting this project. When I have money, I start looking for a lady. It's not that I necessarily think one is more important than the other. This isn't a "hierarchy of needs" thing. It's just that having a girlfriend doesn't make it any easier to find a job. Reverse the two, on the other hand...
I don't mean to imply that the majority of women are materialists, by any means. Even if most girls cared a lot about money, I'd be looking for the ones who didn't. The majority of my close female acquaintances have spent years, even decades dating guys who were all but destitute. It's just that dating in general takes a lot of resources (time, energy, attention) most of which can be freely traded back and forth for cold hard cash. So, having cash on hand makes dating easier.
Plus, if you can afford to pay, you're more likely to be allowed to pick where you go for dinner, so there's that.
Having recently clawed my way most of the way out of crushing poverty, I can manage, most of the time, to have enough money to go out whenever the situation calls for it. My rule of thumb is that I should have $100 on me at the start of a date. (That's plastic more often than cash, in case you're planning to mug me. It's also worth noting that I'm a large man with no sense of fair play, so warn whoever you're paying to help roll me that I'm not above biting or groin stuff.)
It's rare that, even when a lady lets me pay, which is surprisingly rare, I end up using the whole $100, but I like to be prepared in case anyone suggests that we get a stripper or one of those 6-foot party subs.
I'm not weird about money. I'll tell you how much I make and how much is in my bank account. Not here, of course. I haven't ruled out committing some sort of tax fraud and I don't want records. But in person, for sure. I've got jukebox money if you're tired of what's on.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
PostingID: 1930357134
Reply To This Post
I started a new job a few weeks ago. I'm making decent money for the first time in over a year. That was actually one of the motivations for starting this project. When I have money, I start looking for a lady. It's not that I necessarily think one is more important than the other. This isn't a "hierarchy of needs" thing. It's just that having a girlfriend doesn't make it any easier to find a job. Reverse the two, on the other hand...
I don't mean to imply that the majority of women are materialists, by any means. Even if most girls cared a lot about money, I'd be looking for the ones who didn't. The majority of my close female acquaintances have spent years, even decades dating guys who were all but destitute. It's just that dating in general takes a lot of resources (time, energy, attention) most of which can be freely traded back and forth for cold hard cash. So, having cash on hand makes dating easier.
Plus, if you can afford to pay, you're more likely to be allowed to pick where you go for dinner, so there's that.
Having recently clawed my way most of the way out of crushing poverty, I can manage, most of the time, to have enough money to go out whenever the situation calls for it. My rule of thumb is that I should have $100 on me at the start of a date. (That's plastic more often than cash, in case you're planning to mug me. It's also worth noting that I'm a large man with no sense of fair play, so warn whoever you're paying to help roll me that I'm not above biting or groin stuff.)
It's rare that, even when a lady lets me pay, which is surprisingly rare, I end up using the whole $100, but I like to be prepared in case anyone suggests that we get a stripper or one of those 6-foot party subs.
I'm not weird about money. I'll tell you how much I make and how much is in my bank account. Not here, of course. I haven't ruled out committing some sort of tax fraud and I don't want records. But in person, for sure. I've got jukebox money if you're tired of what's on.
I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.
- Location: Suburban Minneapolis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 | |
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