Certain Songs - Day 27

Date: 2010-08-30, 7:58PM CDT
Reply To This Post

Understandably, gift-giving as part of early courtship has fallen off considerably in the last half century or so. It seems quaint and maybe a little sexist, at least in its hegemonical subtext. Nonetheless, too many compliments are ungainly, so sometimes, it's nice to be able to fall back to giving someone a present.

As far as I can tell, no one has sincerely expressed affection through candy since the end of World War 2. Girls don't like flowers. Some of them like being given flowers, but once the giving is done, it's just something rotting in their house. Any number of women have assured me this is true. (Admittedly my taste runs more toward the cynical young women than the hopeless romantics.)

Luckily, the last half a century has also given us the technology to deal with this problem. The mix tape.

Or, since I haven't had a working cassette recorder since the mid-'90s, the mix CD. I fully recognize that a mix CD can never match the soft hiss of analog sincerity that is the mix tape, but for the last ten years, I've used the money other guys spent on their music collections to buy liquor for pretty girls, so all my music is pirated, and putting it onto chromium dioxide would just be adding a disingenuous step.

So, in those same ten years, I've gotten the process of making a mix down to a pretty reliable algorithm.

1) Assemble a list of your all-time favorite songs.

2) Add a shorter list of songs you've been listening to a lot lately.

3) Add a shorter list of songs you've only recently discovered, or only casually enjoy, but seem like the sort of thing the lady in question would like.

4) Rearrange these songs into a pleasing order, with your favorite songs, as well as, if possible, the more upbeat numbers concentrated toward the beginning and end of the list.

5) Begin to edit. First remove whichever one song you've been listening to the most lately.

6) Remove all but one song by each artist.

7) Remove any songs that remind you of a past relationship.

8) Remove anything too clever or novel.

9) Remove anything that charted in the last five or six years.

10) Remove anything you've heard more than once on The Current.

11) Remove anything with the word "love" in the title or chorus.

12) Take the remaining two songs and start over at step 1.

Needless to say, if I assume that a lady is going to get a mix around week three after I meet her, I pretty much start the mix right away.

Hi. I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1928268234

A very special episode - Day 26

Date: 2010-08-28, 6:28PM CDT
Reply To This Post

A quarter of the way through my project, I find my responses dropping off somewhat. Ratings retention has become a concern lest the project risk cancellation.

Like many of my ex-girlfriends, I have very little good to say about MySpace at this stage in my life, but I did a learn a handful of valuable lessons from our time together. One of those lessons is that people who are only passively engaged in the content of a post will usually jump at the opportunity to fill out a survey and return its results. To that end, I've assembled a list of questions I usually ask when the conversation begins to lag on a first date.

Since the only people left following my project at this point are, undoubtedly only the most charming and dazzlingly droll young women that the metro area has to offer, it stands to reason that any first date conversations we'll be having will be able to survive without training wheels.

So, on to the tacky ploy for more responses:

1) What was the first live music event you paid your own money to attend?

2) Who would you like to play you in the movie version of "100 Days of Craigslist"? (Assume it's okay to cast against type.)

3) Do you like your dad? (I don't usually ask this, but I try obliquely to find out.)

4) What word do you have the hardest time remembering how to spell?

5) Do you have any self-imposed dietary restrictions? (Religious counts as self-imposed)

6) Pancakes, toast or muffin? (If toast, white or wheat? If muffin, what type?)

7) Do you have any strong opinions about the appropriate use of ketchup or other condiments?

8) What year did you stop buying CDs?

9) How tall are you? (Yes, it seems weird that I have to ask, but girls from 5'1" to about 5'9" all look the same size to me.)

10) Please rank the five basic hard liquors in order of preference.

*************************************************

I will of course respond with my answers to these 10 and any other questions you might have if you e-mail.

I'm Dan. It turns out, I couldn't find anything fun to do last Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1924729920

---

Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon - Day 25

Date: 2010-08-28, 2:06AM CDT
Reply To This Post

By almost any conventional measure, I'm an acquired taste. A very small percentage of my close friends liked me the first time we met. As a corollary, there's some question as to how good a first date I am. I have funny stories and I'll pay the tab, given an opportunity, but first impressions are not my strength.

I am, however, thoughtful, reliable, unflappable and willing to help you move. In other words, my skills as a boyfriend far surpass those as a blind date. I say that not to imply that I'm prone toward premature commitment or emotional clinginess; I'm just saying that's the part I'm good at, no matter how far off it is. Which is probably why most of my best memories of relationships are not nights out for dinner, parties, or even just nights of garrulous binge drinking, but rather afternoons spent sharing a hangover.

I like everyone best at their worst. Anyone worth knowing is worth knowing at their headachey, dry-heaving, rock-bottom, soul-baring low point. A relationship is at its best when two people are drinking .32 and eating pancakes with a belly full of aspirin while watching whatever John Hughes movie is on cable, waiting for the whiskey sweats to subside so that human contact stops being nauseating and goes back to being comforting.

Life is hard. Having someone around to make it easier is the only good reason to put up with the difficulty of a relationship. An afternoon grimacing through a hangover together is that principle boiled down to its purest and most beautiful microcosm.

I'm Dan. I have plans tomorrow night, but I'm free the next day if you want some pancakes.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1923476584

I'm not doing this right - Day 24

Date: 2010-08-27, 1:23AM CDT
Reply To This Post

Friends and co-workers assure me that my approach to meeting women, and dealing with women recently met, is frighteningly lacking in finesse. That's probably true.

Here's the problem. I didn't date at all in my teens. It seemed like an undignified waste of time and energy. In retrospect, almost everything I did in my teens was an undignified waste of time and energy, but there's no going back. The point is, my teen years were when I was supposed to build the set of habits that would allow me to meet women in the conventional fashion later in life. The learning of those habits was supposed to be fueled by adolescent hormones, blind hubris and shocking stupidity, as it was in almost everyone else's life. I never learned to obfuscate, to polish my rough edges, hide my foibles or say what people wanted to hear. It made me a holy terror to the administrations of any number of educational institutions and starkly unappealing to teen girls everywhere.

The funny thing is that in adulthood, that same openness and apparently guileless self-deprecation seems refreshing to young women who've spent the last decade dating the borderline sociopaths and overly sensitive maladroits that adolescent romance teaches us are the paths to success.

The problem is that it wears off. As charming as a guy who lists his worst qualities and openly expresses his insecurities while dismissing them as unimportant is, in the first few e-mail exchanges or even first few dates, his charm doesn't hold up to the rigors of a real relationship. Because women learn to date in their teens too. Relationships couldn't survive the first couple weeks without suspension of disbelief on both sides, and the white lies and feigned confidence are part of what makes spending time with someone feel like a relationship.

So, I guess my point is that I'm going to need to find someone as socially retarded as me if it's going to have a real chance.

But, at the same time, I like the first couple weeks before things go bad, too. So either way.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1921596287

Looking to the future - Day 23

Date: 2010-08-26, 12:48AM CDT
Reply To This Post

Increasingly the responses to my Craigslist ads have been from women who express no specific or immediate interest in going out with me, but merely appreciation and encouragement in my ongoing 100 Days of Craigslist project.

Responses in general have slowed somewhat. That's not really surprising. I assume there are only a fixed number of people who read Craigslist personals regularly, and judging by the increasing number of my ads that get flagged, some portion of those people find my daily posts irksome and pedantic.

I am not discouraged, however. I'm operating under the assumption that some of you are just not responding because you'd rather read the remaining 80-some ads than risk the disappointment of another internet date. I'm hoping for a spike in responses after Day 100.

That (only somewhat laughable) theory, combined with the fact that I'm already up later than is probably wise on a weeknight, means that for today, I'm cutting my ad short and looking forward to Day 100. Regular posting will of course resume tomorrow.

Suggestions for new topics are always welcome.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free Wednesday, November 10, 2010.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1919734900

Would you like to go to karaoke? - Day 22

Date: 2010-08-25, 1:25AM CDT
Reply To This Post

Dinner is a bad first date. A movie is a terrible first date. Drinking is a good first date. Karaoke is a fantastic first date. Let me explain.

First, karaoke almost never happens without drinking. And the added advantage is that singing in front of people allows you to be honest about drinking away your nervousness without having to be honest about why. The same two drinks it takes to kill the stage shakes also alleviate the sudden panic I feel at realizing that the pictures didn't do justice to a girl who is clearly a good two steps out of my league.

Second, I have absolutely terrible taste in music. And a lot of people find a person's taste in music to be important. Karaoke books, throughout the metro area, however, are filled with only the very guiltiest pleasures of everyone's taste. Introducing someone to your taste in music through the lens of karaoke softens the blow of even the most questionable taste.

Finally, karaoke is a constant and heartbreaking carnival of the best and worst of humanity. From people who would be good if they practiced, to people who have obviously practiced, but will never be good, to people who know they're not good, but God love 'em, just love to sing Hank Williams, a few hours of karaoke reaffirms, if not my actual love of humanity, at least my fascination with it.

Seriously, I can find the best karaoke book in this town almost any night of the week.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday. But the good karaoke is Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

• Location: Minneapolis Suburbs
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1917855898

Looking for a girl who reminds me of me - Day 21

Date: 2010-08-23, 11:36PM CDT
Reply To This Post

I tell people all the time that I'm looking for a girl who reminds me of me. It's a little bit true. I am, by most accounts, a huge weirdo, which makes it gratifying to find someone who shares any to many of my idiosyncrasies.

And you know that thing where you meet someone new and you accidentally do or say something at the exact same time? That's pretty adorable, I guess.

The first problem is that I don't meet that many people like me. Even my close friends are, for the most part, people who are complimentary, but not really similar to me. And I guess there's a lesson there.

Because it seems like the second problem is that, if I did ever meet someone just like me, our time together would be spent speaking very quickly, disagreeing with each other to keep the conversation going and completely forgetting to ask or tell anything personal. Then we'd both text the other once and then delete each other's numbers out of our phones and wait for the other to make the next move.

So, yeah. I guess maybe I shouldn't use myself as a template. It's a cute concept, but it's a pretty narcissistic, and ultimately it's just an excuse to make a pun when I hear a middle-aged hipster say something about "dating yourself."

I'm Dan. I'd probably prefer if you weren't.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1915860197

Now that I have your attention - Day 20

Date: 2010-08-23, 1:03AM CDT
Reply To This Post

It has come to the attention of some of my readers and more than a few respondents that my Craigslist ads have been almost puritanically free from any mention of sex.

I guess that's a fair observation if you're viewing each post within the context of the full 100 days I have planned. My concern however, is that devoting an entire Craigslist post to the topic of sex, at least one posted to the same category in which I've been posting, makes me seem at minimum, a little unclassy. At least to those women who read it out of context.

Let me clarify one point. I'm not a prude; I'm just a traditionalist in a very small and inscrutable number of ways. I wear a tie to work. I drink cocktails with gin instead of vodka. I drive an domestic V8 sedan. And I generally try to separate sex from any situation where drinking is frowned upon. That includes work, posting to the internet, and driving in view of the police.

Sex is pretty far down my list of motivations for this project, but it would be self-importantly separating myself from the rest of humanity, or more accurately, from the rest of vertebrate life, to deny that it's any part of the reason. I can come off as overly intellectual, but it's silly to ignore one biological imperative when I've spent entire e-mail conversations talking mostly about another (sandwiches, in this case.)

You can, however, safely assume that I'm at least not consciously making any of my dating decisions with sex as a goal. I honestly prefer that timetables for that sort of thing be determined by whiskey and television schedules. My ease with the subject should not be taken as apathy or a lack of appreciation however.

I view heterosexual women with the same appreciation and bafflement that most people reserve for fire fighters. I have no interest in doing what you do, but I'm glad for my own sake, and the good of the world, that someone does.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1913867556

Taking the hit - Day 19

Date: 2010-08-22, 11:44PM CDT
Reply To This Post

Interspersed among various bouts of unemployment, the time I took to earn a Bachelor's degree and one terrible third shift job in a factory that, it turns out, did not inspire me to write a great American blue collar rock album, I've spent most of my professional life working in telemarketing.

The work is easy, it's usually easy to find, and more importantly, I'm pretty well suited to it. I have a pleasant enough voice, but mostly, I've persevered in the field because I take rejection very well.

It's a strength that should translate pretty well to my social life, but it's never actually proven that useful. In theory, I'd be more than capable of asking a girl out and walking away from a no with my head held high, but I've never actually figured out when a person asks another on a date. Part of the problem seems to be that I have to know a lot about a person before I know whether I want to go on a date to begin with. And a lot of the things I want to know aren't things you can ask without implicitly expressing interest in a date. I guess that's why I've opted for the internet.

And, as it turns out, the internet is a contraption that can deliver rejection with a new and ruthless efficiency. My recent Craigslist postings have already prompted any number of responses whose authors disappeared after one or two brief e-mail conversations, or perhaps after searching Facebook for my e-mail address. Just the same, I'm trying to keep getting up off the mat. It's a trait I find especially admirable in others. The only really unappealing e-mails I've gotten in response to my ads are the ones that are prefaced with "you probably aren't interested, but..."

I've always found the trite conventional wisdom that confidence is attractive sort of annoying, and a little condescending when it comes from attractive people, but I guess wisdom becomes conventional for a reason in a lot of cases. It's also possible that I just appreciate good taste and assume anyone who doesn't think they're awesome is either actually not awesome, or lacks the ability to recognize awesome.

My point is, if you're awesome, you should write me an e-mail. I haven't responded to every e-mail I've gotten, and only some of that is because I've been busy, but if the worst thing that happens to you this week is a rejection from a 29-year-old guy writing personal ads on the internet, your life could be a lot worse.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1913820349

---

The lessons of history - Day 18

Date: 2010-08-22, 3:12AM CDT
Reply To This Post

Every relationship ends with a breakup or death. That's a depressing thought, right? To be fair, everyone I've dated is still alive and kicking. So I guess the healthy thing to do is to hope that you've learned something from every breakup.

I've had some trouble with that in the past. I've never initiated a breakup, though not because I didn't have cause. My issue is that I've never gotten a clear explanation of why anyone broke up with me. In retrospect, I probably should have asked, but I find the easiest way to deal with rejection is to stop caring, and that makes performing a post-mortem pretty tedious and unappealing.

Just the same, I've learned some things to avoid.

1) The severely unbalanced. I used to claim that there's a surprisingly narrow overlap between girls who are interesting and girls who are emotionally stable. It turns out, auspiciously, that this precept becomes less and less true the further into one's 20s one gets. I'm very calm, and more to the point, very calming. It makes me appealing to girls with dad issues and scars on their arms. I'm 29, and I work full time. I just don't have the time anymore.

2) Organic development. The ideal relationship is one that develops out of an existing friendship. As it turns out, that isn't even a little bit true. Relationships are difficult and awkward and they have to be done in a certain order. You can't start a romantic relationship with someone you're already comfortable being around. I don't know why, but you can't. The attempt almost always results in one person thinking they're in a relationship while the other is looking for a date.

3) Common interests. I absolutely shouldn't date anyone because they have good taste in movies and music. If for no other reason than that it means that I'll keep running into exes at shows forever.

I'm Dan. I know I'm a day behind; I was busy drinking away a case of nerves.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1912354634

---

Minimum requirements - Day 17

Date: 2010-08-19 10:44 AM
Reply To This Post


Just because I post Craigslist ads doesn't mean I don't read Craigslist ads. A lot of them are boring, as it turns out. But even ads that aren't that fun to read shouldn't be ignored when so many of them repeat the same basic sentiments. So, let me lay down my basic Craigslist curriculum vitae.

Normal guy. I've always found this to be a curious request, but I can't imagine girls actually mean they want someone boring. Predictable, maybe, or at least reliable. I am that. I show up when I say I will, and my life is run on a pretty regular routine. I'm not mentally ill, and your mom will like me if you like her, and probably if you don't. If that's what you meant, then I've got it covered.

Good spelling and grammar. It's mentioned as a criteria surprisingly often, really. I know some really smart guys who can barely spell their names, but I guess I'm not going to complain. I've got a liberal arts degree and it hasn't gotten me a date yet as far as I know. At minimum, I know how to use a semi-colon; there's one in this sentence.

Respectful. As near as I've been able to gather, this means I won't hit, yell, or cheat on you. Right? This seems like the kind of request that makes me question your past choices in men, but I guess the only one that counts is the last one.

Not looking for a hookup. If my ambitions were so simple, I wouldn't be turning to the internet. I've got a watch and a car. I can find a bar and 2am as well as the next guy. Even if this weren't my 16th Craigslist ads in as many days, I think we could agree that this ad by itself has been more effort than a person of average resources needs to put into getting laid.

Willing to try new things. I usually don't, but that's only because I like the things I do now. But I'm also almost pathologically amenable to other people's plans or doing something I've never done before. Want to steal a boat?

Baseball. All right, a guy's got to draw the line. I don't know when all women became fans of baseball, and I like beer and hot dogs as much as anyone. I'm even willing to eat hot dogs and drink beer and sit near where people are playing baseball. I just can't actually watch the game. It's unbearable. Can we compromise? It's almost football season. If you'd like, I can explain the game to you in a condescending manner.

No drama. My concern is that this is like one of those cautionary tales about getting what you ask for. If we go out, and date for a few weeks, and then you're telling me about your former best friend who stopped hanging out with you when she started dating her new douchey boyfriend, and my reaction is to shrug and say, "Yeah, but what are you gonna do, man?" just remember that you asked for no drama.

If there's anything I missed, feel free to ask.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

"It's complicated" - Day 16

Date: 2010-08-18 9:50 PM
Reply To This Post

I've taken a lot of grief from my friends about meeting girls on the internet. Which seems odd, given that my efforts have been, over the last ten years or so, pretty successful, at least in terms of how many of my friends have dated girls I've met on the internet. Really, though, past success, and overall efficiency and convenience have very little to do with my decision.

The main reason I post personal ads is that they eliminate a lot of ambiguity. If you meet someone after responding to a Craigslist ad, there's very little question whether your meeting "counts as a date." The rest of the internet certainly plays its part, too. Since we, as a culture, can no longer use the phrase "going steady" with a straight face, I for one am thankful that we can look to Facebook relationship status messages for clarification.

A lot of people are uncomfortable with labels. I get that, but you don't have to be Noam Chomsky to realize that the labels wouldn't exist in the first place if there wasn't some value in them. I like a general guideline for how to interact with someone. Plus, I'm a lot better at "boyfriend" than I am at "dating."

I've never really had a problem with labeling a relationship. I can see how that could be interpretted and clingy or desperate, but that really has nothing to do with it. It's just that I don't like that many people, so when I find someone I can spend a couple evenings with, without rolling my eyes or wishing I was somewhere else, I can make a judgement about longterm potential pretty quickly. I'm not picking out a china pattern or anything; I'm just comfortable with whatever pace things take after that.

It can be disconcerting, I'm told.

That's one of the side-benefits of this project, I suppose. While I'm perfectly willing to put the project on hold indefinitely, there's at least an implicit indication that things won't be excusive for a couple months. It seems like that might take some pressure off.

Feel free to focus on the immediate.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

This isn't just a good idea for a book - Day 15

Date: 2010-08-18 12:11 AM
Reply To This Post

There's been some conjecture in the past about the sincerity of my Craigslist postings. That's fair, really. I'm implacably good-natured, and oftentimes in text, the only part that comes across is the implacable. I seem aloof, when I'm actually just calm.

More importantly, it seems like I'm not serious about this. Okay, to be fair, I'm not "serious" about much if anything. But I am sincere. The ads I write tend to be a little tongue-in-cheek, but that's not cynicism. I just figure if you can't be rich or handsome, your best shot is to be smart and funny. And there's nothing worse than someone humorlessly telling you that they're funny.

So, to set the record straight, yes, I would like to go on a date. Ideally, I want to go on more than one date. I want a few weeks of awkwardly deciding whether it's weird to call more than once every few days, and whatever comes after that. I want a whole series of baffling landmarks, from figuring out whether I can assume we have plans on Friday night to sharpie-ing a name on a toothbrush.

I'm working on suppressing my inscrutable tendency to offer a handshake at the end of a first date, I really am. I don't know why I do that.

Hi. I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

...but I'd rather not be.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Keeping it positive - Day 14

Date: 2010-08-17, 12:58AM CDT
Reply To This Post

It was pointed out to me that my Craigslist ads have a distinct tendency to focus on the negative. It's also been my experience that people who only know me from the internet don't realize the slakelessly good humor with which I view almost every aspect of daily life.

To this end, here are some things I like:

I like getting dinner from the gas station. I especially like it on a first date. I like the walk, and I like being a guy who thoughtfully remembers to pocket some extra napkins.

I like coats. And mittens. Gloves, too, but mittens especially.

I like when someone is talking to me and they say a bunch of things really fast and I can tell they were thinking the semi-colons in their sentence.

I like cookbooks. I like cooking. I don't use the cookbooks when I cook, but I like reading, and having them. Mostly having them.

I like dogs. Dogs are outstanding. Mostly the big ones, but the little ones can be all right dudes too.

I like TV. The kind where people wrote some words and other people said them.

I like when good bands cover bad songs. I like when bad bands cover good songs.

I like enthusiasm. I like when people like things. I wish Facebook let me like that someone liked something without me having to like it too. Your interests are interesting.

I like Uptown in the winter. I like Northeast in the fall. I like the mall around Christmas if I don't have anything I need to buy.

I like Bourbon, American lager, and cheap gin.

I like using all my vacation time and not changing anything about my routine except for going to work.

I like paid programming for machines that cook food in a way that is better than the old way.

I like the idea of antique stores.

I like science. Sometimes I wish going to college for something other than liberal arts hadn't seemed like so much work. I think I would enjoy lady scientists, but I don't know any.

I like new tires and new shoelaces.

I like off-brand diet cola.

I like leaving the house and walking around when I get a phone call. If I talk for too long, sometimes I get lost.

I like shopping for cuff links on eBay.

I like wearing a suit on my day off.

I like to live life on a spectrum somewhere between the phrases, "I'm not a barbarian," and "This ain't the Ritz."

I like e-mail.

Hi. I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

* Location: Suburban Minneapolis

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1903106108

Girls who aren't really reading Craigslist - Day 13

Date: 2010-08-15, 11:41PM CDT
Reply To This Post

It's pretty hard to make any accurate judgment of a person based on what they choose to put on the internet. Facebook is a great example of this. I discovered a few months ago that the only way to tell from a person's Facebook profile, whether I would like them or not, is to judge by whether the comments their friends have posted on their photos are funny or not.

The logic here is convoluted, but pretty irrefutable. If a person is funny and interesting, they will attract friends who are also funny and interesting. A person might be able to fake these qualities for their own profile, but it wouldn't occur to them to do so in comments to their other friends. So basically, I don't have to judge anyone; I can just let the people who know them do it for me.

Which got me thinking. The best luck I've had with meeting people on Craigslist has come from posting ads, not responding to them. The reason for that seems to be that the kind of girls I like don't post ads. They do, however, read them. And only that much occasionally. And usually only for entertainment value. That's why I try much harder to make my ads interesting than to make them informative or expressive. It occurred to me recently that there are probably a lot of girls I would like who don't even read Craigslist. But the odds seem good that at least one of their friends does.

So, here's my point. If you are one of those girls, think hard. Do you have a friend who doesn't read Craigslist, but who does enjoy drinking tap beer in unfancy bars? Is she single? Would she like my e-mail address? Is she free on Friday?

Hi. I'm Dan. I'm probably free on Friday.

* Location: Suburban Minneapolis
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1901021360

Don't say "awesome," be awesome - Day 12

Date: 2010-08-15, 3:04AM CDT
Reply to this post

It occurred to me some time ago that there's one trait, more than any other, that seems to be holding me back from meeting a nice girl, either through the internet or through the various untrustworthy methods offered by "the real world."

I don't actually have a problem meeting people. As it turns out, they're everywhere. There's a bunch of them at my job, for example. Actually, my job might be a bad example, because the majority of the women there seem to be in their 40s and also, more often than not, married with several children.

My point is, the real problem happens after I meet them, and the problem is this: I have an intrinsic and unshakable distrust of people who immediately like me.

On my best day, I'm not that pleasant. I'm not, for example, friendly or personable. I'm outgoing, insofar as I'm generally outspoken about things that interest me, but not that many things do. I'll remain silent for an hour while my co-workers discuss reality TV, but if the conversation moves to places to buy sandwiches, I have immediate and deeply held opinions which I will share gladly.

I spite of not being friendly, however, I'm pretty well liked most places I go, mostly by virtue of having interesting things to say and being able to express them in an interesting way. And that's sort of the problem. My natural, if not entirely fair, assumption is that anyone who immediately ignores my negative qualities, forgiving them on the basis that they think I'm funny, is someone who finds funny hard to come by. It's pretty basic supply and demand.

I've found myself, on quite a few occasions, realizing in the middle of a date, that the person I'm with likes me a lot, even though I'm putting no specific effort into it. Let me clarify, this isn't one of those things where I don't feel good about myself, and don't think anyone should like me for me. I'm just saying, for the right girl, I'm more than willing to bring my A-game, and I should be expected to, or else what's the point. A lot of things are easy. Girls should be difficult, to be worthwhile.

I've put a lot of time and effort into being awesome. It seems only fair that other awesome people know it.

Either that, or I should stop posting ads at 3am.

Hi. I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1899604108

Running the gauntlet - Day 11

Date: 2010-08-14, 3:30AM CDT
Reply To This Post

For those of you who haven't been keeping track, I am now 10% of the way through my project of posting 100 Craigslist ads over the course of 100 days. It is, undoubtedly, a herculean undertaking, and one that admittedly stretches my considerable skills in the arena of "talking about myself." It was pointed out, recently, that there is a legitimate suspicion to be roused by a guy that can talk about himself as much as I have, and indeed, intend to for an additional 90 days. I like to thing the right girl will find this to be an endearing show of vulnerability and not a show of glaring megalomania and self-centeredness.

So here's the thing, Ladies of the Internet. I'm probably free this Friday. No doubt many of you have come to recognize this continual truth. Today, however, being Friday, I found myself with plans. In reality, I have a grown-up job and can't afford to let a Friday night pass waiting by the Internet hoping a charming young lady will send an appealing missive. I'd love to hear from you, but in the meantime, I'll be drinking in someone's garage in Uptown.

Now, here's the rub. I don't know many, if any, single people. And if there's one thing couples enjoy, it's seeing their single friends entangled into relationships. The cynical part of my thinks of this as a parallel to Stockholm Syndrome, but I like to believe, on some level, that they just want me to be happy. The immediate result, however, is a lot of interest among my immediate social circle, in my personal life.

More than one of my first dates with girls I've met on the internet have been covertly chaperoned by a table full of my friends to whom I had let slip the time and location of my plans for the evening. Oftentimes, given this fact, I find it's easiest to just introduce the young women who have attracted my dubious attentions to my friends as early and as fully as possible. And I'll be honest. It's a tough room.

My friends are, I can say with minimal hyperbole, the best people to ever walk the earth. Witty, charming, socially and practically adept, insightful and gracious to the man and woman, are the lot of them. And, in spite of my perennial solitude, they have high expectations for the young women I introduce to them. To be fair, nearly half of them are young women I introduced to the group. Ultimately, I think they trust my judgment.

My questionable project seems to be attracting a wider audience, so I've got my fingers crossed that some of that audience includes girls who are not only up to the standards of my scumbag friends, but are painfully aware that they're up to those standards.

Hi. I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

* Location: Suburban Minneapolis
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests



PostingID: 1898003493

No one wants to read full sentences - Day 10

Date: 2010-08-12, 8:44PM CDT
Reply To This Post


I'm a very busy man, man. I don't have time for anything but bullet points. (This is patently untrue, but I think today's modern pretty lady enjoys an "infographics" approach to dating.)

Here is a series of lists:


Top influences on my views toward relationships and romance (no particular order)

- Jon Cusack movies
- Mountain Goats lyrics
- the writings of Joey Comeau and Randall Munroe
- the small amount of economic and game theory that I've bothered to learn
- the complete failure of the above to teach me anything useful


My best dates (no particular order)

- Bloody Marys at the laundromat
- Beers, then watching Die Hard
- Attempted blind date, then realizing we both knew some of the same people, who were at the bar, and abandoning our table to sit with them.
- Liquor store, wal-mart, infomercials


Things in common among the majority of girls I have dated (no particular order)

- Glasses
- Experience in the handing-people-coffee industry
- Cigarettes (often menthols)
- Ex-boyfriends in bands
- Preference for brown liquor


Several more things (in alphabetical order)

- Arby's is always a disappointment
- The Doors were never very good
- Google should probably start its own Facebook
- People should drink less vodka
- Vanity license plates almost always make me like people less


Hi. I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.


* Location: MPLS Burbs
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

image 1895858607-0

PostingID: 1895858607

C2 H5 OH - Day 9

Date: 2010-08-12, 1:04AM CDT
Reply To This Post

Dinner and a movie. Whoever it was that decided this is a good first date had clearly never been on one. Any first date is just an excuse to talk to someone and get to know them better. Filling your mouth with food is counterproductive at best. At worst, girls are awkward and insecure about eating and guys are awkward and insecure about money, so exchanging money for food is just going to make everyone awkward and insecure.

Movies are, if anything, worse. Sitting in a dark room full of distractions with a relative stranger seated vaguely in your peripheral vision is not just a difficult situation in which to get acquainted; it's like a cruel experiment designed to prevent it.

Luckily, there are alternatives. First and foremost among these, fate has seen fit, for the good of the world and the proliferation of the species to grant us the joy and wonder that is hydroxyethane, ethyl hydrate, booze sweet booze. There's always time to take a drink while listening rather than talking. The room is usually dim, if slightly loud. Noise isn't the worst thing, since leaning close has its own secondary appeal. And, for that matter, there's a lot to be learned about a person from their drink order.

Let's abandon the pretense and get a drink. I'll buy.

Hi. I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

* Location: Suburban Minneapolis
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

image 1894259515-0

PostingID: 1894259515

An Ideal Ex-boyfriend - Day 8

Date: 2010-08-10, 11:04PM CDT
Reply To This Post


For most of my adolescence, I didn't date. My reasoning was that dating resulted, inevitably, in having either a wife or an ex-girlfriend, and I had no interest in procuring either. At some point, however, I realized that exes have a certain dubious appeal. I've also realized that a fair portion of my own cachet is as a potential ex-boyfriend.

To begin with, I take a breakup very well. I tend to conflate relationships with jobs, and I consider myself an at-will employer. I don't need two weeks notice; if you're out, you're out, and I don't really care that much why. I mean, I care, but if you don't feel like telling me, or as often seems the case, haven't quite worked it out, I don't really mind.

I tend to stay on good terms, which is good, because being single doesn't make your stuff less heavy if you need help moving. I have a big car and I can lift all but the largest items of IKEA furniture without help. I accept payment in beer.

I'm cautious and ambivalent enough about casual sex that you don't even have to worry about getting drunk around me.

And, maybe most importantly, I don't hang around indefinitely. An ex-boyfriend is a pleasant enough accessory for a while, but eventually most people want to move on. The fact that your reasons for breaking up with me will tend to be the opposite of the things that annoy you about your next boyfriend means that he won't like me very much. That's as good an excuse as any to politely drift apart.

Seriously, it's a good deal. Ask any number of bespectacled girls in the service industry around the city.

Hi. I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

* Location: Suburban Minneapolis
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

image 1892326412-0

PostingID: 1892326412

Five and a Half Bad Things About Me - Day 7

Date: 2010-08-09, 10:16PM CDT
Reply To This Post

1) I don't want to fight. This sounds like a good thing. In my experience, it's not. Never getting upset makes me seem like an evil robot, and refusing to discuss a disagreement with people who are upset makes me seem condescending. I might be both, I guess.

2) I have terrible taste in music. Most of my music library is chosen on the basis of either clever lyrics or novelty. I have a lot of off-genre covers of well known pop music and the complete recordings of a handful of bands whose lead singers enunciate clearly. If I make you a mix CD, it will probably have Cake on it. And Marcy Playground, if I can justify it to myself at all.

3) I don't want to go to shows. This is probably a corollary to #2. I don't even go to see my friends' bands. I certainly don't want to see The Beardos opening for Our Band Name Is a Full Sentence. Anyway, it's hot, and loud, and crowded and expensive, and I'd almost always rather drink beer in a park and listen to the '70s power-pop playlist on my iPod.

4) I will remember everything you say and do when you've been drinking. I've got a heroic tolerance. The upside of this is that you'll have a ride home, and I'll try not to let you lose your camera.

5) My actions are beyond reproach, but my motives are suspect. I'm not saying I'm building up trust, working toward some diabolical goal, just that I've taken too many liberal arts courses to be sure why I'm being nice to anyone, least of all the women I date.

Also, sometimes I wear suits to the beach.

Hi, I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

* Location: Suburban Minneapolis
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

image 1890299162-0

PostingID: 1890299162

In their summer clothes - Day 6

Date: 2010-08-09, 1:44AM CDT
Reply To This Post

The weather has gotten ridiculous. I have friends who insist that the warm weather is ideal for those in search of girl-reaction, both because people in general are out of doors, and because the standard uniform of the sweating masses makes a frank appraisal of a person's appearance less of a guessing game.

It's all nonsense. Everyone is better looking at 40 degrees Fahrenheit. Have you seen a man in shorts? It's horrifying. That's not okay and I'll have words with anyone who says differently. There might be people who look better through the melty, rumpled lens of summer heat and humidity, but they're the same small subset who can wear shiny clothing without being laughed at. I don't know any of them, and they should move to cities with better weather.

There's an argument to be made that I started this project at an inopportune time considering I do my best work in the fall and winter. Luckily, it should be suitably chilly long before the 100 days are up.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free next Friday.

• Location: Suburban Minneapolis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 193145159

On the subject of my extremely reasonable standards - Day 5

Date: 2010-08-07, 8:26PM CDT
Reply To This Post

It's pretty easy for me to come up with a lengthy list of things that annoy me about other people. By the same token, it's easy to list 100 petty deal-beakers for girls I meet on the internet. In reality, most if not all of the deal-breakers have exceptions. A girl with an annoying voice or a bad laugh could still be awesome, in theory.

And really, it makes a lot more sense to fill a Craigslist ad with a list of things you don't want. I mean, why say you want someone attractive and funny? Doesn't that sort of go without saying? And more to the point, if you're going to either be surprised after the fact by the good things or the bad, wouldn't you prefer it be the good?

Just the same, I recognize that listing only the things I want to avoid makes it seem, first of all, like I think I have my pick of attractive single women and can turn them away on the basis of their questionable grammar or love of Nü Metal. Second, it implies that I don't like anything about dating... or, you know, humans. I actually do, or I wouldn't be posting, entertaining as it usually is.

So anyway. Ideally speaking, of course:

I'm looking for a girl who enjoys bourbon and classic rock. She probably enjoys cable television, TV on DVD. I like girls who read, I guess, even though I don't really read much myself. I usually date girls with glasses, though that's more of an observation than a requirement. I don't actually have any documented myopia fetish. I like girls whose hobbies tend to involve drinking, sitting or both. I like enthusiasm without intensity. If you haven't seen Die Hard, but would like to, that's a plus, too.

Hi. I'm Dan. I'm probably free on Friday.

* Location: Suburban Minneapolis
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

image 1886681441-0

PostingID: 1886681441

Good on paper - Day 4

Date: 2010-08-06, 12:31PM CDT
Reply To This Post

I read the results of a survey, probably ten years ago now, but it's always stuck with me. They asked a group of single women what their most important criteria was in terms of dating. The huge majority of eligible women responded either that they were looking for someone tall, or someone with a good sense of humor.

I am 6'6" and I call shenanigans. I don't really hold the lie against anyone, and I don't think a group of young single men would give a more honest answer. And if they did, I'm pretty sure womankind (and most men worth talking to) would be horrified and disgusted by the response. I'm not being a prude; I'm just saying, dudes are gross as often as not.

Now, the odd thing is that those answers aren't even indicative of some lofty ideals. Looking for a tall guy is still shallow, but somehow doesn't seem as petty as saying you want a guy with good hair. Nonetheless, they both seem like pleasant and harmless enough criteria. If someone asks what your boyfriend is like, you feel good about saying, "He's pretty tall, and he's really funny."

So anyway, here's a bunch more stuff that, in my experience, aren't actually things girls are looking for, but sound good on paper.

- I cook. Pretty well. Vegetarian if you want, though it's not a specialty.

- Dogs and babies all like me instantly. Cats, too, but I don't really care whether cats like me or not.

- I don't really care about cars as a hobby, but I can change a tire or even a serpentine belt if I have to.

- I have a lovely singing voice. Drunk women in karaoke bars across the metro agree.

- I can quote poetry if you're into that sort of thing. I mean, I'd prefer if you weren't, but I went to college and stuff.

So, yeah. There's that, at least.

Hi, I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

* Location: Suburban Minneapolis
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

image 1884214693-0

PostingID: 1884214693

Playing by the Rules - Day 3

Date: 2010-08-05, 11:59PM CDT
Reply To This Post

Recently, I downloaded Picasa, which for those of you who don't spend 8 hours a day online, is basically the download manager for picasa.com, Google's image hosting site. I'm slowly but surely converting all my online activities onto sites run by Google. If Google starts a religion, I would like an invite code to be a Gbishop, or whatever.

Anyway, the point is, one of the things the program does is to allow you to tag all the photos on your computer, like photos on Facebook, with who is in the picture. This task taught me two things. First, my ex-girlfriend took a LOT of pictures of herself posing awkwardly and uploaded them to a folder in MyDocuments without my knowledge, and second, a huge majority of photos of me are pretty unflattering.

I guess if it's the majority, that means that the ones where I look good are unrealistically flattering and that I am, simply, kinda weird-looking. Which led me to an ethical quandary with regard to posting online personal ads.

Is it misleading to post pictures of myself where I look rugged and windswept rather than pale, sweaty and ungainly.

I spent a half an hour or so perusing Craigslist while I thought about this question, and it occurs to me that this is sort of the same process as posting a r?sum?. I could certainly write a r?sum? in which I was totally honest, but I'd stay unemployed forever. And it's not that I'm a worse employee than most; it's just that everyone else is lying, and my truth can't live up to that. So, it's only fair to assume that everyone is posting their most flattering pictures. We'll never get anywhere without a level playing field. And beyond that, there's something to be said for the optimism and enthusiasm demonstrated by putting your best foot forward.

Just to purge any lingering guilt about the evils of shallow advertising, however, I thought I'd try to represent the spectrum.

* Location: Suburban Minneapolis
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


PostingID: 1883457207

On the subject of my unreasonable standards. Day 2

Date: 2010-08-04, 5:48PM CDT
Reply To This Post

There are a lot of things that will immediately make the decision on whether to respond to a Craigslist ad into an immediate "no." And honestly, a lot of those things are, on some level, pretty arbitrary to patently unfair. There are a lot of things people say about themselves that aren't bad things, not characteristics I dislike, but including them in an ad irks me on a barely conscious level and moves me straight to the next ad down the list.

1) "I am pretty sarcastic." I don't mind sarcasm. I don't actively like it either, though. Sarcasm is so much a part every day conversation that I don't notice it. Specifically saying that you're sarcastic means either that you think you're edgier than you actually are, or that your friends are completely humorless.

2) "I love to laugh." Really? I hate laughing. (see #1.)

3) "BBW" Again, I have no problem with the underlying reality that's implied here. I'm not looking for a jogging partner. The first problem is that the acronym is an annoying and cutesy euphemism that's polluting the language. The bigger problem is that if you included a picture, I can already judge your size for myself, and if you didn't include a picture, I'm probably not so concerned with your appearance if I'm still reading.

4) "Looking for a normal guy." I don't know what that means.

5) "Tired of the bar scene." I've spent hours at a time several days a week in bars over the past 10 years or so. I haven't gone out of my way to talk to strangers, but I have met and spoken to a couple hundred people in that time. Not one of them has ever used the phrase "the bar scene." That term seems to only exist in personal ads.

I completely understand that this list, incomplete though it is, seems petty and self-important. But the hardest part of dating is convincing myself that there aren't more interesting and entertaining things I could be doing, so it seems wisest to start by picking a person who wasn't either boring me or annoying me before I ever clicked "Reply."

I guess, ultimately, I don't have to worry about passing over my soulmate because she's looking for someone normal.

I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

* Location: Suburban Minneapolis
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

image 1881144928-0

PostingID: 1881144928

100 Days of Craigslist - Day 1

Date: 2010-08-03, 11:07PM CDT
Reply To This Post

In the near decade since I was first convinced to look for a girlfriend, I've probably written about thirty or forty online personal ads, including those I wrote for other people, and responded to a couple hundred. I've actually gone on only about twenty "internet dates" as a result of all those ads, mostly because my heart's not really in it. Girlfriends are pleasant; dating is tedious.

I mean, I guess if I didn't find the whole process dauntingly arduous, I would look for girls... at... bars? Or work? Or church? Or where ever it is people in relationships insist that people meet each other in real life. The reality, for what it's worth, is that a statistically significant portion of the people I know are in long-term relationships with girls I met on the internet and then introduced to them, so this nonsense about meeting women in real life is probably a myth.

But like I said, even meeting girls on the internet starts to seem like a lot of work when you realize that every evening spent across the table from a relative stranger talking about their job or their childhood is a day you're missing one of your friends getting drunk and crashing a motorbike into a Vietnamese restaurant.

So, eventually, you make a game out of it to keep your motivation up. You decide to post a new Craigslist ad every day for the next 100 days and see what comes of it.

Then you hope you don't get flagged for overposting. I would argue, by the way, that it's not overposting if every ad is different from the one before.

I suppose I'll put the project on hold in the event of a second date. They're rare, so I haven't really thought that far ahead.

Hi. I'm Dan. I'm probably free this Friday.

* Location: Minneapolis Suburbs
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

image 1879689192-0

PostingID: 1879689192